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    Spite And Bite The Finger In Your Face

    | LA, USA | Parents & Guardians, Siblings, Top

    (I have to glance up about every five minutes when reading in the car or I get car-sick. My older brother has stretched his arm across our younger sister and has his finger positioned so that it is right in my face when I glance up.)

    Sister: “Stop it, [Brother]! Get your arm out of my face!”

    Me: *as I start reading again* “Get your hand out of my face.”

    Brother: “My hand’s not in your face! It’s free air!”

    Mom: “Cut it out, [Brother], or I’m going to duct tape your arms to your sides.”

    (He drops his arm but as soon as I glance up again he puts his finger in my face so I lurch forward and bite it.)

    Brother: *yelps* “OW! OW! Mama! [My name] is biting me! She’s gonna bite my finger off!”

    (I clamp down harder for good measure then let go.)

    Brother: *incredulous* “You were just gonna let her bite it off!?”

    Dad: “If that’s what it takes to make you stop antagonizing your sister, yes.”

    Just Soldiered On Through That Little Lie

    | UK | Boyfriends & Girlfriends, Parents & Guardians, Sons & Daughters, Theme Of The Month, Top

    (I met my husband when we were both in our mid-20s and he was in the military, living in an all-male dormitory. Fast forward 10 years, and I’m chatting with my mother about when I used to go visit him.)

    Me: “… and the bed was so small we could barely fit.”

    Mother: “But, you used to sleep in the visitors room. Didn’t you?”

    Me: “What?”

    Mother: “When you visited, you told me he stayed in his room and you slept in a room set aside especially for visitors.”

    Me: “And you BELIEVED me?”

    His Brain Has A Mind Of Its Own

    | Columbus, OH, USA | Children, Grandchildren, Top

    (Our grandson and us are attending a game fair. One of the vendors hands out foam zombie brains. We manage to get two for our grandson. Apparently, the brain is a bit hard for a five-year-old to hold onto, because we have to keep chasing it down. We are walking in the neighborhood when our grandson again fumbles the brain. We get quite a few stares when he wails:)

    Grandson: “Oh no! I’ve lost my mind!”

    The Birds And The Bibles

    | Cork, Ireland | Children, Top

    (I’m an au pair in Ireland. I’m bringing the six-year-old girl I’m minding to bed. Earlier that day I told her about a friend of mine who just had a baby. The family is very religious.)

    Child: “So, do you have babies?”

    Me: *not thinking* “No, I’ve been careful.”

    Child: “What do you mean?”

    Me: “Well you know, when a man and a woman— Wait. Do you know where the babies come from?”

    Child: “Yes. God puts babies in mummy’s tummy.”

    Me: *panicking* “Um, well… I don’t have babies because I told God that I didn’t want any.”

    Not Fooling Anybody

    | Twentynine Palms, CA, USA | Children, Sons & Daughters, Top

    (We have a lot of loud, obnoxious off-roaders behind our house. My three-year-old daughter is asking me a lot of questions.)

    Daughter: “Why they were making so much noise?”

    Me: *in a moment of frustration* “Because they are idiots.”

    (Now, whenever she hears them riding back there, she comes running in saying:)

    Daughter: “Mommy, the idiots are back! The idiots are back!”

    (She had never actually seen them due to the privacy slats in our fence, until one day when she came running into the house.)

    Daughter: “Mommy! Guess what? Those aren’t idiots! They’re people!”

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