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    Experience Is The Mother Of Wisdom

    | Philadelphia, PA, USA | Parents & Guardians, Spouses & Partners, Top

    (My mother was the youngest child and never babysat. My father grew up constantly helping out with his nieces and nephews. I’ve just been born and am home from the hospital, when Dad finds Mom staring at me on the changing table.)

    Dad: “Hi.”

    Mom: “Hi.”

    Dad: “How is she?”

    Mom: “Um. Okay. Kind of…”

    Dad: “You don’t know what you’re doing, do you?”

    Mom: “… No.”

    Dad: *sighs and starts to remove soiled diaper* “Watch closely…”

    No God In This House

    | Australia | Grandparents, Top

    (Mum has just returned home and my grandmother is in a panic.)

    Mum: “What’s wrong?”

    Grandmother: “A strange man came to the door. I wouldn’t unlock the security door, so he left a card on the mat. I went out after he left to get it. He was from the church.”

    Mum:  *reading card* “Oh, it was the new minister from the church.”

    Grandmother: *horrified* “Oh, I should have let him in. What is he going to think of me? How could I have treated a minister so badly? I should have known!”

    (She flaps around in a panic, as to her ministers are one step down from God.)

    Mum: “Was he wearing his robes?”

    Grandmother: “No, he wore normal clothes.”

    Mum: “So, how would you have known he was a minister?”

    Grandmother:  “Well, I could have read the card.”

    Mum: “A church business card that he had hand written his name on?”

    Grandmother:  “But he was a minister!”

    Mum:  “I don’t care. I don’t want you letting strange men in the house when you are alone, especially those with handwritten business cards. Anyone can write their name on a business card.”

    Grandmother:  “But…”

    Mum: “No buts.”

    (Later, we receive a phone call.)

    Minister: “Oh, hi. I think I may have scared your mother today. Is she all right?”

    Straight To The Point

    | Australia | LGTBQ, Parents & Guardians, Siblings, Top

    (I am 16 and have come out to a few friends as bisexual, but am stressing about telling my parents. I know my whole family is open about it, but I am scared they will react negatively. My 14-year-old sister is talking to mum about her upcoming school formal while dad reads in the corner. Note that everyone in the family believes her to be completely straight.)

    Mum: “Have you found a date yet?”

    Sister: “Actually, yes. I just asked [Girl’s Name]. She’s… I really like her.”

    Mum: *pause* “Okay, sweetie, I’m glad to hear it!”

    Dad: “Girls, huh? Cool.” *goes back to reading*

    Mum: “Have you thought about what dress you want yet?”

    Me: “…”

    The Birds And The Bees And The Mammals

    | Maple Valley, WA, USA | Children, Parents & Guardians, Sons & Daughters, Top

    (I am about four years old. I’m watching a documentary on birds. I’ve always been a big nature and biology buff, even at this age, so when the documentary shows a clip of a wedding while talking about how some birds mate for life I get curious.)

    Me: *to my mom* “Why aren’t there any documentaries on humans and their mating habits? I don’t get how it works. I mean I know we’re mammals and have naughty bits and stuff but how and when? We don’t seem to have heats or rut seasons or anything and all these clothes would get in the way. And people only seem to have kids after marriage, so is there something about that kiss at marriages that triggers the exchange of fluids and sperm or what? And if that’s true how can people get unmarried? Or kiss with out producing babies?”

    (Mom has been staring at me flabbergasted for the whole little speech before getting up and turning off the TV.)

    Mom: “I am so not having this discussion with you for at least a decade. Go outside and eat dirt or something.”

    Heard The Penny Drop, Too

    | CA, USA | Parents & Guardians, Top

    (My wife and I are visiting my father who was in the US Navy, where he worked with sonar. He has CRAZY good hearing. We are upstairs in a closed room; he is downstairs working on the computer.)

    Me: “What do you want to do tomorrow?”

    Wife: “I don’t know. Do you think your dad would take us down to Tijuana?”

    Dad: *yelling from downstairs* “That sounds like a great idea! We can go tomorrow.”

    Wife: *even quieter* “We are NEVER having sex in this house.”

    Dad: *yelling again* “Thank you!”

    Driving A Hard Bargain

    | IA, USA | Siblings, Spouses & Partners, Top

    (My husband and I decide to surprise our families and drive 1,100 miles to visit them the weekend after Mother’s Day. I have my dad get my siblings together that weekend for a ‘late Mother’s Day celebration’ so I could see everyone. We have already arrived and surprised our moms, but our siblings don’t know yet. I called my sister to find out her schedule for the next day.)

    Me: “So, do you have any big plans this weekend?”

    Sister: “Well, I work tomorrow, and then on Sunday I’m spending the whole day with Mom and [Brothers] for a Mother’s Day celebration, since Mom worked last weekend.”

    Me: “Oh, that sounds like fun.”

    Sister: *jokingly* “Yeah, you guys should come!”

    Me: “Ha ha. Yeah, we’ll get right on that. It’s kind of a long drive…”

    Sister: *still joking* “Well, if you start now, you should be here in time!”

    Me: *to husband* “[Sister] wants us to come up and visit this weekend.”

    Husband: “I’ll only do it if I get to eat [Restaurant].”

    (The restaurant is local and his favorite.)

    Sister: “Tell him I’ll buy him some [Restaurant] if you guys come.”

    Me: “All right. Well, we’ll talk it over and get back to you. We love you. Good night!”

    (Five minutes later, we arrive at my sister’s door.)

    Sister: *flabbergasted* “Wha… What?! What are you… You’re not getting [Restaurant]!”

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