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    The Birds And The Bees And The Mammals

    | Maple Valley, WA, USA | Children, Parents & Guardians, Sons & Daughters, Top

    (I am about four years old. I’m watching a documentary on birds. I’ve always been a big nature and biology buff, even at this age, so when the documentary shows a clip of a wedding while talking about how some birds mate for life I get curious.)

    Me: *to my mom* “Why aren’t there any documentaries on humans and their mating habits? I don’t get how it works. I mean I know we’re mammals and have naughty bits and stuff but how and when? We don’t seem to have heats or rut seasons or anything and all these clothes would get in the way. And people only seem to have kids after marriage, so is there something about that kiss at marriages that triggers the exchange of fluids and sperm or what? And if that’s true how can people get unmarried? Or kiss with out producing babies?”

    (Mom has been staring at me flabbergasted for the whole little speech before getting up and turning off the TV.)

    Mom: “I am so not having this discussion with you for at least a decade. Go outside and eat dirt or something.”

    Heard The Penny Drop, Too

    | CA, USA | Parents & Guardians, Top

    (My wife and I are visiting my father who was in the US Navy, where he worked with sonar. He has CRAZY good hearing. We are upstairs in a closed room; he is downstairs working on the computer.)

    Me: “What do you want to do tomorrow?”

    Wife: “I don’t know. Do you think your dad would take us down to Tijuana?”

    Dad: *yelling from downstairs* “That sounds like a great idea! We can go tomorrow.”

    Wife: *even quieter* “We are NEVER having sex in this house.”

    Dad: *yelling again* “Thank you!”

    Driving A Hard Bargain

    | IA, USA | Siblings, Spouses & Partners, Top

    (My husband and I decide to surprise our families and drive 1,100 miles to visit them the weekend after Mother’s Day. I have my dad get my siblings together that weekend for a ‘late Mother’s Day celebration’ so I could see everyone. We have already arrived and surprised our moms, but our siblings don’t know yet. I called my sister to find out her schedule for the next day.)

    Me: “So, do you have any big plans this weekend?”

    Sister: “Well, I work tomorrow, and then on Sunday I’m spending the whole day with Mom and [Brothers] for a Mother’s Day celebration, since Mom worked last weekend.”

    Me: “Oh, that sounds like fun.”

    Sister: *jokingly* “Yeah, you guys should come!”

    Me: “Ha ha. Yeah, we’ll get right on that. It’s kind of a long drive…”

    Sister: *still joking* “Well, if you start now, you should be here in time!”

    Me: *to husband* “[Sister] wants us to come up and visit this weekend.”

    Husband: “I’ll only do it if I get to eat [Restaurant].”

    (The restaurant is local and his favorite.)

    Sister: “Tell him I’ll buy him some [Restaurant] if you guys come.”

    Me: “All right. Well, we’ll talk it over and get back to you. We love you. Good night!”

    (Five minutes later, we arrive at my sister’s door.)

    Sister: *flabbergasted* “Wha… What?! What are you… You’re not getting [Restaurant]!”

    The Scream Of The Crop

    | Singapore | Parents & Guardians, Top

    (I come home at three am. I am tiptoeing so that I don’t wake the family, when I suddenly encounter a white shape rising from the floor and getting bigger every second.)

    Me: *screams loudly*

    White Shape: *screams back*

    (The “white shape” suddenly throws off the covering, which was a large, white bed-sheet, revealing my dad.)

    Me: “What were you trying to do, give me a heart attack?!”

    Dad: “You’ve been going out clubbing every night and coming back so late. I thought I’d teach you a lesson!”

    Me: “Then why did you scream?”

    Dad: “Because you screamed so loudly, it startled me!”

    My Chocolate Box Uncle

    | OH, USA | Aunts & Uncles, Theme Of The Month, Top

    (I’m four years old and very close to my uncle. He is a notorious prankster. Early one morning on Easter he calls our house and asks to speak with me.)

    Uncle: “[My Name], the Easter Bunny came to see you last night! Look outside on your porch. He pooped all over it!”

    (I put down the phone and go outside. There is a line of chocolate drops leading from my front door out to the street.)

    Me: *getting back on phone* “HE DID COME! HE REALLY DID! AND HE S*** EVERYWHERE!”

    Uncle: *laughing at both my reaction and my language* “I told you so!”

    (I lost my uncle to a heart attack when I was 10, but I never forgot about the time he drove 40 miles to my house in the middle of the night just to try and prove to me the Easter Bunny was real.)


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