(My younger sister is 12, and we’re both in the back seat of our car, driving through rural Pennsylvania. My sister is playing a farming simulation game on a hand-held system.)

Me: “Look! Cows!”

Sister: “Huh? Did you hear the cows in my game?”

(I point out the window.)

Me: “There are cows!”

Sister: “I know. I just got the cow!”

Me: “Look out the window!”

Sister: “There’s no window in my game!”

Me: “You’re in a car. LOOK OUT THE WINDOW!”

Sister: “What?”

(She looks up and out the window.)

Sister: “Oh, my gosh, COWS!”

(I’m in the living room. My daughter is playing in the apartment next door with her best friend. She bursts into the living room.)

Daughter: “Mom! Mom! Can I go down on [little girl who lives next door] at the pool?”

Me: “What?”

Daughter: “Yeah, [neighbor] said she’d take us to the pool if you said it was okay! Can I take my water noodle?”

Me: “Oh, you want to go down to the pool with your friend?”

Daughter: “Yeah, isn’t that what I said?”

Me: “Remind me to have a long talk about the importance of prepositions when you get back.”

(My cousin has brought her boyfriend to our house for Thanksgiving. She’s being questioned by one of our particularly nosey aunts about him.)

Aunt: “…and how did you two meet?”

Cousin: “Well, I was trying to buy some cocaine from him, and he offered to be my pimp.”

Cousin’s Boyfriend: *nods* “Unfortunately, she refused that offer.”

(My aunt is totally speechless. No one had informed her that they met in a school play; he was a drug dealer and she was a prostitute.)

(I’m a lesbian, but only my mum knows it. I am waiting for the appropriate time to tell the rest of my family. I am coming out of my walk in closet when my phone rings.)

Me: “Hello.”

Mum: “Hi [name], it’s the entire family. We’re on speaker. What’s up?”

Me: “Not much, just coming out of my closet.”

*pause*

Mum: “Oh, my gosh! You finally just told everyone!”

Other Family Members: “Tell us what?”

Me: “Huh, what? What am I supposed to tell you?”

Mum: “You just told us you are gay! You finally told everyone!”

Me: “Ah! I… well yes. I guess you all know now. But I meant it literally. I was in my closet putting stuff away, and you called as I was walking out.”

Sister: “That was pretty weird.”

(I am visiting my sister for the weekend in London. She is 35, and I am 20. I am also a gay male. We are coming back from a show and are heading for the Underground station. I do not know my way around London very well, so I am following my sister. A man also heading for the train starts coming on to my sister.)

Man: “Hey there, that creep over there is following you around. I can take care of him, if you like?”

Sister: “No, thank you. I’m sure I’ll be fine.”

Man: “You sure? Don’t want a pretty girl like you getting into trouble; I’m more your type anyway.”

(I decide to intervene.)

Me: “Look, mate, let me make this clear to you; you are wrong on many, many levels. Firstly, she isn’t my type—frankly, you’re more my type. Secondly, she is my sister. Third, I am only following her because I don’t have a clue where I am. And finally—and this is where you can stop acting all macho to impress her—she’s engaged with two children. Any questions?”

(The man is speechless; he only manages a nod before running away.)

Sister: “Was he really your type?”

Me: “Seriously, that is what you got from that?”