(I’m about 5 years old, and have been having terrible nightmares. I wake up in the middle of the night, screaming.)
 
Mom: *runs in* “What’s wrong, cookie?”
 
Me: “The ghosts are gonna get me.”
 
(My mom runs out of the room, and comes back with a squirt bottle with ‘Monster Juice’ written on the side. She hands it to me.)
 
Mom: “Here. Just shoot the ghosts and monsters, and remember the most important thing.”
 
Me: *sniffling* “What?”
 
Mom: *states very matter-of-fact-ly* “If it don’t pay rent, it don’t live here!”
 
(Since then, I’ve never been afraid of ghosts or monsters.)

(My wife’s cousin, having grown up in Israel, is almost wholly unfamiliar with Christianity. We are playing a card game that in part involves artefacts taken from throughout history. She receives a card with the text ‘Crown of Thorns, originally worn by You Know Who’.)
 
Cousin: “Is this talking about Voldemort?”

(I’m planning my musical theatre themed 21st birthday, and have just been organising the music. I love musicals and as such my parents have been very heavily exposed to them for the past 15 years.)

Me: “So, earlier in the night we can play the first playlist which has all songs from musicals that I love, but aren’t really that good for dancing. After the speeches we can switch to the other playlist which has more modern, upbeat musicals and some pop music.”

Mum: “That’s nice, what musicals do you have then?”

Me: “Well the first playlist has sings from The Lion King, Les Mis, Hairspray, Singin’ in the Rain…”

Mum: *interrupting and horrified* What?! You can’t put that in! That’s disgusting, why would you put in such a violent musical?”

Me: “What? Which are you talking about?”

Mum: “Singin’ in the Rain. That’s the one where the man rapes and kills people.”

Me: “What? No! Singin’ in the Rain is about the change from silent movies to talkies…”

Mum: “No, he sings ‘singin’ in the rain’ while he’s beating people up in their home and it’s disgusting!” *singing* “I’m singin’ in the rain, kick, kick!”

Me: “Are you confusing the musical Singin’ in the Rain with the film A Clockwork Orange?”

Mum: “They’re the same thing.”

Me: “No, they really aren’t…”

(I have lost my voice thanks to the flu. When my husband and 3-year-old son come home, I use Google Translate to communicate.)

Me: *through Google Translate* “Hi, Honey! I love you!”

Son: “I love you too, mummy’s iPad!”

(I come into the house one afternoon to find my daughter crawling around on her knees, making a high-pitched noise. She doesn’t notice me.)

Daughter: “I’m a squirrel, Charlie! Come chase me!”

(Charlie is our dog. He looks at her, and then goes back to her bone.)

Daughter: “Well, boo on you too!”

(She’s 18, and leaving for Harvard in 3 days.)