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    Momentarily Disoriented

    | Melbourne, VIC, Australia | LGTBQ, Parents & Guardians, Top

    Me: “Mum, Dad? I have something to tell you.”

    Dad: “Oh. Are you gay?”

    Me: “No. I’m asexual.”

    (My parents go pale and rush out of the room. I feel awful and self conscious, and hide in my room for a few days. The time for the Pride Parade comes and my parents bang on my door.)

    Mum: “[My Name]? Open up! You need to see this!”

    (I open the door and see my parents and siblings in asexuality supporting T-Shirts and holding a black, grey, white and purple banner, which is the official asexuality flag.)

    Dad: “Sorry we worried you. Your mother and I bought LBGT t-shirts for the parade. But, naturally, we couldn’t ignore your demographic!”

    (I had a great time marching with my family, feeling comfortable as an asexual for the first time!)

    Making A Birds And The Bee-Line For The Punch-Line

    , | TX, USA | Parents & Guardians, Siblings, Top

    (We are in a 24-hour diner late at night after driving all day, My dad decides it’s a good time to give my younger sister some advice about the birds and the bees, since she’s at that age.”

    Dad: “And don’t let anyone pressure you into doing something you’re not ready for! Remember: at the end of the day, you just have to love and respect yourself and no one can hurt you!”

    Sister: *quite embarrassed* “Okay, dad.”

    Dad: *seeing me not paying attention* “[My Name], do you love yourself?”

    Me: “Frequently.”

    (Cue laughter from nearby tables.)

    I Can Feel Your Presents

    | UK | Parents & Guardians, Top

    (For Christmas, I want a light-saber so I can duel my older sister, who had one from her birthday earlier in the year. My mum goes into a comic book store to get it for me.)

    Mum: “Can I get a light-saber?”

    Worker: “Sure, you want a boy-sized one or a man-sized one?”

    Mum: “I want a man-sized one. For my daughter.”

    Now Try Explaining A Floppy Disk

    , , , | Preston, England, UK | Children, Nephews & Nieces, Top

    (My sister and her children have come to visit for Christmas. I’ve put my 21-year-old son in charge of keeping my eight-year-old nephew entertained. Luckily, they both like computers, so most of their conversations revolve around those subjects. My nephew is talking to my son about the ‘Raspberry Pi’ computer, which is a credit-card sized home-made computer used to promote computer-science in schools.)

    Nephew: “[Son's name], what does a Raspberry Pi actually do?”

    Son: “Well, it contains the processor and memory and all the chips needed to compute on. Then you plug in a monitor and keyboard, so you can see what you’re doing and interact with it.”

    Nephew: “You have to plug a monitor in? What does the Raspberry Pi do then?”

    Son: “Well, the monitor doesn’t actually do anything except show the commands the computer tells it to, the Raspberry Pi does everything; the monitor just shows you it.”

    Nephew: “I don’t get it.”

    Son: “Okay, you know on your computer at home, how you’ve got a keyboard, and mouse, and screen, and a big box they’re all plugged into?”

    Nephew: “No?”

    Sister: “Our computer is all built into the monitor.”

    Son: “…huh. How about at school?”

    Sister: “I’m pretty sure it’s the same there.”

    Son: “D***… and you used to have a Mac, so that was all built into the monitor, too.”

    (My nephew is looking more and more bewildered by the conversation.)

    Son: “I know! [Nephew], you remember when you were at ours, and you were playing on my computer, and it had that big box attached to it?”

    Nephew: *confused*

    Son: “Y’know, the big black humming thing that glowed blue?”

    Nephew: *slowly shakes head*

    Son: “Oh, God… I’m trying to explain defunct technology to a younger generation. I feel so old. Now I know how dad felt trying to explain what a telegram was…”

    You Would Not Be-Leaf The 2nd Gift

    | FL, USA | Parents & Guardians, Top

    (It is Christmas, and I’m opening presents.)

    Dad: “Open that one next, sweetie.”

    (He points to a box, which I open. Inside is one of those obnoxious singing and dancing robot Christmas trees. I’m a bit shocked and dismayed, as I had pointed out how much I hate these things when we went shopping the week before Christmas.)

    Me: “Uh, weren’t you listening when I said I thought these were the most annoying things ever?”

    Dad: “I know, I know. But… open that one next.”

    (This time he points to a long, heavy package. I eye him suspiciously, but open it up to reveal a sledgehammer.)

    Me: “What the? Is this for what I think it’s for?”

    Dad: “And you thought I wasn’t paying attention!”


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