(I’m almost old enough to start learning to drive. I’m hinting to my dad, so he can hopefully surprise me with lessons.)

Me: “My birthday is coming up.”

Dad: “Yes.”

Me: “I’ll be 17.”

Dad: “Yup.”

Me: “I’ll need lessons for something.”

Dad: “You’re not learning.”

Me: “WHAT?”

Dad: “Apparating is far too dangerous. You’d forget to concentrate and get splinched half the time.”

(I burst out laughing. My dad hasn’t even read Harry Potter, he’s picked up all of it from listening to me!)

(My house has been without power for about three days. My older brother has been constantly saying that he knows exactly when the power will come back on, just to annoy me. At my wit’s end, I call him out on this.)

Me: “Fine! If you’re so smart, when’s the power coming back on?”

Brother: “It’ll be on by the time I get to one. Three…Two…”

(After that, he just walks away without another word. Two more days pass when, suddenly, the lights flicker on. My brother rushes into my room.)

Brother: *smugly* “…one!”

(I am at my brother’s house. My son is diabetic, so I have to watch his carb intake. He is four years old.)

Brother’s wife: *to my son* “Do you want a sandwich?”

Son: “Bread?”

Brother’s wife: “Of course with bread!”

Son: “Too many cabbies in bread. Bread is the root of all evil!”

Brother’s wife: “So, no sandwich?”

Son: “SANDWICHES HAVE BREAD! BREAD IS EVIL! I WON’T EAT EVIL!”

(A family, including grandparents, a mother and father, and two boys are sitting at a table. The youngest boy, about seven years old, is extremely pale. I am getting a table ready nearby and overhear them.)

Little boy: “Mum, I’m feeling really sick.”

Mum: “No, you’re not. You’re fine. Stop ruining your grandma’s birthday dinner.”

Little boy: “Mum, I’m going to be sick.”

Grandma: “Shall we take you home?”

Mum: “No! He is not ruining your dinner. He is staying.”

(Their food is brought over by another waitress. The boy waits patiently for her to put the food down, then attempts to run to the bathroom, but his mum grabs him.)

Mum: “SIT DOWN!”

Little boy: “I’m going to be sick!”

(She dumps her vegetables out of her side dish and hands it to him.)

Mum: “Nobody leaves this table!”

(The little boy has no choice but to be sick into one of our side dishes. The mum just puts a napkin over it. The little boy doesn’t touch his meal. When everyone else is finished, I go to clear their plates.)

Me: “Was everything okay?”

Mum: “Yes, he just wasn’t hungry.” *glares at little boy* “He’s ruined his Grandma’s birthday dinner! Could we have pudding menus please?”

Grandma: “He wasn’t hungry because he was sick, and you refuse to let me take him home! If anybody has ruined my birthday dinner, it’s you, and I care more about my grandson than having pudding!”

(I’m lesbian, and my parents have always been super supportive. I am jokingly complaining about not having a dramatic ‘coming out ‘ story to tell, so my mom tells me to come out again.)

Me: “Mom, stepdad, I’m gay.”

Mom: *falls over, fanning herself with a magazine* “Oh, my, this is terrible!”

(My stepdad? He grabs the computer and googles ‘My kid is gay, how do I fix it?’)