(In Australia, before you get a full driver’s licence, you spend a couple of years on a provisional licence. I’ve had mine for a month or two. My dad has said I’ve finally become useful. I’m at home and have just gotten a string of texts from him that don’t make sense. I call him.)

Me: “So, why do I have to come to the city?”

Dad: “Mum’s pissed.”

Me: “What? I haven’t done anything!”

Dad: “No! She’s ‘pissed’.”

(At this point my brother walks in, so I put the phone on speaker.)

Dad: “She had her office Christmas party today, and she’s drunk.”

Me: “Oh. Pissed!” *laughing*

Brother: *between giggles* “You thought you were in trouble!”

(I had to catch a bus into town to drive her home.)

(My sister has just got back from University for the Christmas holidays. She has just found out that while she’s been away, I’ve been to the Netherlands and am going for another weekend in Belgium in a few days.)

Sister: “That’s not fair! Why can’t I go to Belgium?”

Me: “Uh… Because I paid for it?”

Sister: “So?”

Me: “And because mum and dad paid for you to go to Sweden, Portugal, Spain, Norway, France, India?”

Sister: *muttering* “…wanna go to Belgium.”

Me: “Oh, yeah, I’m also going to Cologne and Lisbon over the summer with [volunteering project].”

Sister: “Aww, Lisbon’s amazing! I’m so jealous.”

Me: “Yeah… I don’t actually know where it is.”

Dad: “It’s in Portugal, you dolt.” *to my mum* “Why are we letting him onto the mainland again?”

Related
Geographically Incontinent, Part 3
Geographically Incontinent, Part 2
Geographically Incontinent (Not Always Right)

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(It is Thanksgiving in the late 1980s. The Nintendo Entertainment System is very popular. My parents have bought one for my sisters and me, and as a Christmas surprise, they’ve also bought one for my grandparents. My youngest sister is three, and she has something urgent to tell my grandfather.)

Sister: *very seriously* “Pop-pop, if you were gonna buy a ‘intendo, don’t buy a ‘intendo, a-cuz there’s a wrapped-up ‘intendo in mommy’s closet!”

Grandfather: “Well, go get it!”

(Sister goes running out of the room. The rest of us are face-palming. My grandparents got their Christmas present a month early!)

(I have just come home from visiting my best friend for two days. I am 29, and my brother is 23.)

Me: “Look, look! Friend gave me that Gonzo plushie I wanted for Christmas!”

Brother: “…Son of a b****!”

Me: “Eh?”

Brother: “I ordered you one of those for Christmas.”

Me: “Oh. Um, sorry? In fairness, I didn’t think you’d get one, since you made fun of me for wanting it when I told you.”

Brother: “Now I have to cancel it and think of something else.”

Me: “At least you can cancel it?”

Brother: “This is so messed up.”

Me: “Hey! You deserve a headache for making fun of anything related to The Muppets!”

Brother: “…Touché.”