Sister: “Mom, since it’s Mother’s Day, I’m going to take care of the spider in my room by myself instead of making you do it.”

Mom: “Thank you! I appreciate that.”

(My sister goes into her room. We hear a thump, and then a scream.)

Sister: “MOM! PLEASE HELP!”

Me: “I thought you were going to do it?”

Sister: “IT FELL INTO MY BED! MOOOOM!”

(Both my mum and I have electronic tablets. We are sitting together reading each other things from the Internet.)

Me: “Mum, do you think if you watered an apple tree with apple juice, it would be like cannibalism?”

Mum: *not paying attention* “That would be like the end of the world! Everything would implode. Don’t you ever do that!”

(I have just told my parents I have started using a hormonal form of birth control.)

Mother: “Ah, I can’t wait to watch you get fat.”

(My mum and I have a habit of buying clothes for each other if we see them reduced in the shops, as neither of us have much time or money. I’ve just bought her something that was reduced from £22 to £5.)

Mum: “Are you sure it was only £5? You didn’t actually pay £22, did you?”

Me: “What would you do if it actually was £22?”

Mum: “Take it back for the money!”

(It’s Easter, and dad ends up buying an especially large-breasted chicken.)

Mom: “It’s the Dolly Parton of chickens.”