(My mom, my sister and I are watching some random movie on TV.)

Mom: “They must have filmed this last year.”

Sister: “How do you know?”

Mom: “Her shirt is so last year”

(My sister and I stare at her.)

Mom: “What?”

(My sister hugs her.)

Sister: “Oh, we’ve taught you so well.”

(My teenage daughter comes home from school with a bandaged finger.)

Me: “What did you do? Did you get into a fight or something?”

Daughter: “Not exactly. I was in chemistry class; we did an experiment with several substances, as well as different kinds of acids. I was kind of fascinated with them…”

Me: “…and?”

Daughter: “I stuck my finger in the bottle.”

(Luckily it isn’t so bad, and we have a good laugh about it! Three years later, my other daughter comes home looking embarrassed, after chemistry class with the same teacher.)

Me: “I know that look; what did you do? Please don’t tell me you stuck your finger in the bottle like your sister!”

Other Daughter: “No! It was marked ‘dangerous’, so I didn’t touch it. But…”

Me: “What?”

Other Daughter: “I wanted to see if it had a smell, so I smelled it. When I sneezed later, something black flew out!”

(The guy I like has expressed interest in meeting my family. I’m talking it over with my parents.)

Me: “Dad, you need to be nice to him.”

Dad: “I’m always nice!”

Me: “Uh-huh. What about that time when [ex] came to pick me up for a date, and you had Fox News on at full volume in the background?”

(The ex in question was very liberal.)

Dad: “That’s different. That was funny!”

(My grandmother visits right after I turn 18.)

Grandma: “I want to tell you something.”

Me: “Okay.”

Grandma: “It’s very important.”

(She takes both of my hands in hers, and looks grave.)

Me: “Okay…”

Grandma: “If you… if you fool around, you be sure—be sure!—to use a condominium! Promise me!”

(She grips my hands tightly. I try desperately not to crack a smile.)

Me: “I will, Grandma! I promise!”

(My younger sister is sitting at the kitchen table eating, while my middle sister and my mom discuss my oldest sister being pregnant. They begin to go into great deal about childbirth.)

Younger Sister: “Ew! I’m just trying to eat my soup without puking!”

Middle Sister: “And I’m just trying to have a nice conversation while you’re eating soup.”

Younger Sister: “You don’t even have kids! Why do you know all this?”

(They ignore her and go back to their conversation. My younger sister becomes visibly pale, and shoves her soup away.)

Younger Sister: “Ew! I am never f****** having kids!”

(She storms off. My mother looks quite satisfied, despite the bad language.)

Me: “You know you’ve scarred her for life, right?”

Mother: “Yeah, but she’s 17. I just want to make sure she stays as far away from guys as possible.”