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    Category: Teenagers

    The Mystery Molecule

    | Fresno, CA, USA | Sons & Daughters, Teenagers

    (As my (too smart for his own good) 18-year-old son comes in to say good night, I ask him about his new shirt. It is from his AP chemistry class. All I can understand is ‘Go (molecule symbol). We’re all winners here.’ I couldn’t figure out what the chemical symbols meant. He got a big grin as he was explaining it.)

    Son: “The molecule symbols are for ‘Nads.’ So it says Gonads. We’re all winners here.”

    Me: “Really, how did you get away with that?”

    Son: “We were trying to figure out what we could slide by the administrations & be approved. We knew they wouldn’t understand it.”

    Me: “What did the teacher say?”

    Son: “She was in on it & thought it was funny!”

    (My husband and I look at him in disbelief.)

    Me: “Who’s idea was it?”

    Son: “Mine!”

    Husband: *shaking his head side to side* “I thought we raised you better than that.”

    Son: “Apparently not.”

    Salad Is Good For Your Braaaaaaaain

    | USA | April Fool's Day, Teenagers, Zombies

    (My teenage son is a notoriously fussy eater. He has just got home from school and I have made dinner.)

    Me: “Eat the salad.”

    Son: “No. it’s gross. I don’t like vegetables.”

    Husband: “Your mother made dinner. You should eat it.”

    Me: “It has meat in it.”

    Son: “But they’re touching the vegetables, gross. Anyway, I’m not feeling too well. I think I’ll just go to bed.”

    (He takes an uncharacteristically early night, and I do the dishes, before my husband and I settle down in front of the TV. Every channel is alarmingly indicating that the zombie apocalypse has started. I am about to go warn my son, when I see him shuffling down the stairs, with a dead look in his eyes.)

    Me: “[Son]?”

    (He merely grunts, wanders over to the salad, sniffs out the meat, and starts eating it. My husband walks slowly backwards and get a kitchen knife.)

    Me: “[Husband]! No, don’t!”

    Husband: “It’s hard to accept, I know, dear. But our son isn’t our son anymore.”

    Me: “Yes, I know, but at least wait a minute!”

    Husband: “Why!?”

    Me: “He’s finally eating my salad!”

    Be Prepared, For This Family

    | Fresno, CA, USA | Siblings, Teenagers

    (For the first time in a long time, my mom’s four children are together and visiting a zoo for a family event. I’m the oldest at 26 while my two sisters are 15 and 11. We’re all walking into the African area of the zoo.)

    15-Year-Old Sister: “Great idea! Who needs a king?”

    Both: “No king! No king! Lalalala!”

    Me: *whirling around to stare them down* “FOOLS! There will be a king!”

    11-Year-Old Sister: “But—”

    Me: “I will be king! Stick with me and you’ll never go hungry again!”

    Both: “Yay, all right! Long live the king! Long live the king!”

    (I was deemed the king for the rest of the day and no one else in the family thought this was unusual.)

    H2-Oh So Deadly

    | Houston, TX, USA | Sons & Daughters, Teenagers

    (In an effort to raise healthy children, I’ve made them aware of how certain drugs and even just natural ingredients can be harmful in the wrong amounts. My teen daughter has taken this to heart, though I didn’t realize how cautious she’d become until one day…)

    Me: “Hey, hon, I’ve got a new gluten-free cookie recipe. Let’s try it!” *I hand her the recipe*

    Teen Daughter: *reading recipe* “Mom, it’s got nutmeg! And cinnamon. Cinnamon can be dangerous and nutmeg in large amounts is dangerous, too!”

    Me: *deadpan voice* “Yeah, and water in large amounts is dangerous. It’s called drowning.”

    Wrote A Captain’s Log

    | Columbia, MD, USA | Sons & Daughters, Teenagers

    (I’m browsing the science fiction section of a bookstore. A teenage girl and her mother are also.)

    Girl: “Oh, look! William Shatner wrote a book! I wonder if it’s any good?”

    Me: “Well, I hear he writes about as well as he acts…”

    Girl: *perplexed* “Is that good?”

    (Her mom and I just smile at each other.)

    Mommy’s Little Emo

    | USA | Friends, Parents & Guardians, Teenagers

    (At summer school I’ve got a reputation as the ‘emo kid’ and a bit of a rebel. Today my mom, who’s very sweet and a bit naive, came in with me to sign a paper, but since it’s only my second day, we’ve gotten lost. We turn a corner and run into one of my new friends, who’s a bit of a punk.)

    Mom: *surprised* “Oh, hello.”

    Me: “Dude, where’s our classroom? This place is so weird.”

    Friend: *points* “That way. I’m heading there now. Wanna come?”

    Mom: “No, I think it’s the other way, sweetie.”

    Me: “Well, I’ll see you later, Mom.”

    Mom: “Bye! Have fun in school!”

    (Once we get out of earshot…)

    Friend: “What was THAT?”

    Me: “Not. A. Word.”


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