Dad: “Hey, when we were transferring your account to the new bank, I had to check over your statement. I’m sorry; I hope that’s alright.”

Me: “That’s no problem!”

Dad: “Cool. I didn’t know if you’d be freaked out about me looking at what you’ve bought.”

Me: “No, it’s really no big deal. It’s not like I bought cocaine or something.”

Dad: *turns around and looks at me, dead serious* “Listen. Buying and doing drugs is really stupid to begin with. But for the love of God, do not ever buy drugs with a debit card. I raised you better than that.”

(I have a really bad wound on my foot, and have been limping for the past few days.)

Me: “Hey mom, do we still have that walking stick in the attic? It would really help me get around.”

Mom: “Sure! I’ll look upstairs and check.”

(Some time later.)

Mom: “I found a good substitute!”

(I stare in shock; she’s holding up a rowing oar from our old canoe.)

Me: “Mom… that’s an oar.”

Mom: “And? Well, I thought this might work, too.”

(In her other hand, she’s holding a tennis racket.)

(I had just put my newborn and my 3 year-old in the car when I have to run back for my keys. When I return, I have a conversation with the 3 year old, who is pretending to be the mother. She also loves astronomy stuff.)

Daughter: “Where are my keys?”

Me: “Oh, I didn’t grab them, sorry!”

Daughter: “Well, I can’t go anywhere without my keys!” (I say this often. Whoops.)

Me: *thinking quickly* “Well, the problem is, I can’t go back up to get them because there’s a black hole on the stairs! The Black Hole Removal Team is on their way, so by the time we get back, it’ll be all cleared out.”

Daughter: “Is that because of the particle acceler-thingie?”

Me: *relieved that she bought it* “Sure.”

Daughter: “Oh, okay. Tell them to be careful!”

(I’m at work. I’ve just finished making a sandwich for a very exhausted looking gentleman who has two very energetic kids. He goes to pay for his food and his kids start running around screaming. He tries to stop them, then just sighs and starts getting his money out. Another customer in line starts chatting with him.)

Woman: *referring to his kids* “Oh, I know the feeling, trust me.”

Man: “Well, it’s an improvement from yesterday I suppose. Yesterday he was running around screaming, ‘Boobies!’.”

Related:
A Conversation Breast Left Alone ime

(I am at the last security gate before the baggage area with my mom.)

Security: “And what is your relation?”

Mom: “She’s my daughter.”

Security: “In that case, could you just verify her birth date for me?”

Mom: “Yeah! It’s… uh… wait… January… first?”

Me: “Mom!”

Mom: “Oh! It’s January 7th!”

Security: *to me* “She owes you twice the Christmas gifts this year.”