(My sister is the maid of honor at my wedding. She has recently graduated with a degree in public health education, and is considering going on for a master’s in epidemiology. She is giving her toast at the reception.)

Sister: “The two of you together just ooze happiness. And, like many things that ooze, that happiness is infectious!”

(She apologized afterward, but my husband and I both thought that was the best part of the whole speech!)

(My sister has decided to come out to our mother, no matter what. She unfortunately chooses a day when my mum is running late for work.)

Sister: “Mum?”

Mum: “What?”

Sister: “I’ve got something really important to tell you.”

Mum: *freezes* “Oh, God…”

Sister: “I’m gay.”

Mum: “Are you joking?!”

Sister: “Um, no…”

Mum: “You’re telling me at quarter to eight in the morning?!”

Sister: “Um… yes?”

Mum: “I don’t have time for this! I need to have a shower!”

(Our mum runs out of the kitchen and upstairs to the bathroom. We both hear mum laughing in the shower. She walks out a few minutes later, and pops into my room.)

Mum: “Thank God! I thought she was going to tell me she was pregnant!”

Me: “No chance of that!”

(My sister is a little strange. We have gotten used to it.)

Sister: “When I woke up this morning, I found a piece of popcorn in my belly button. I wasn’t even eating popcorn in bed.”

Dad: “Did you eat it?”

Sister: “Yep!”

Dad: “Atta girl.”

(Before my mom gave birth to me, she referred to me as a ‘present’ for my older sister to take care of, and love, and so on. When I am born, my mom shows me to my sister for the first time.)

Mom: “And this is your baby brother!”

Sister: “This is the present?”

Mom: “Yes, would you like to hold him?”

Sister: “Yes!”

(My mom hands me to my sister.)

Sister: “He’s my present!”

Mom: “Yes, he is indeed.”

(My sister runs away holding me at this point. My mom starts chasing her.)

Mom: “Can I have your brother back? I need to feed him.”

Sister: “But he’s mine!”

Mom: “…what?”

Sister: “You said he’s my present, so he belongs to me!”

Mom: “But honey—”

Sister: “HE’S MINE!”

(My mom chases my sister around for a couple minutes until she is finally able to convince her to give me back. My sister and I are very close as of present!)

(Our parents have moved to Italy. My sisters and I are going to head over for the summer. We’re discussing how long the flight will take.)

Sister: “It’s 15 hours!”

Me: “Well, that’s not so bad. We drive to California!”

Sister: “That’s true.”

Me: “And since we’re flying, not driving, it should feel shorter. That is, unless we’re delayed.”

Sister: *laughs* “Yeah, we’re delayed in Antarctica!”

Me: “What?”

Sister: “Antarctica. What? I thought we went over the world, not—”

(She motions with her hands that we go over the world, not around it. I just stare at her blankly. She looks confused herself, and consults her smart-phone.)

Sister: “Wait… Antarctica doesn’t have any major airports!”

Related:
No Fortitude For Longitude, Part 6
From Notalwaysright.com:
No Fortitude For Longitude, Part 5