(My mom, both brothers and I are having Sunday dinner. We start to talk about a relative who has failed beauty school.)

Me: “How can you even fail beauty school?”

Mom: “By not going.”

Little Brother #1: “I know how you can fail!”

Little Brother #2: “How?”

Little Brother #1: “You’re still ugly at the end!”

(It’s Memorial Day weekend. My girlfriend, her sons, my son and I go to visit with her family. I meet her brothers for the first time. During the day, I’m making up ‘Star Wars’ trivia questions for my girlfriend’s two sons. My girlfriend’s brother is answering each question with ‘Frank’.)

Me: “What was Grand Moff Tarkin’s first name?”

Girlfriend’s Brother: “Frank!”

Me: “Name any three bounty hunters.”

Girlfriend’s Son: “Boba Fett, Jango Fett, and… uh…”

Girlfriend’s Brother: “And Frank!”

(Amused, I decide to get the better of him.)

Me: “Okay, next question: What was the first name of the man who did Yoda’s voice?”

Girlfriend’s Brother: “…well played.”

(My brother and I are talking about Batman.)

Brother: “So, Batman’s real name is… Bruce Wayne?”

Me: “Yeah.”

Brother: “Okay, so, what’s Two Face’s real name?”

Me: “Harvey Dent.”

Brother: “What about the Joker? Do we ever find out his real name?”

Me: “Well, according to one movie, it’s Jack Napier.”

Brother: “Okay. So, what about Alfred?”

Me: “Alfred?”

Brother: “Yeah, do we ever find out Alfred’s real name?”

(I am hanging out with my grandmother, my sister, my cousin and her boyfriend. My sister is looking at a pamphlet she received at work, and I pick it up to leaf through it.)

Me: “Why does this guy’s chin look like balls?”

(My grandmother had fallen asleep, but begins to wake up as I start talking. My sister looks from me to my grandmother a few times, motioning at me to shut up before my grandmother realizes what I’m saying.)

Sister: “What are you doing?! She can hear you!”

Me: “So? She won’t remember in a few minutes!”

Grandmother: “Balls, balls, balls, balls, balls, balls, balls! Now I’ll remember!”

(My mom, dad, brother, and I are grilling for Memorial Day after spending the afternoon relaxing. This is my first nice dinner with them since getting home from college. I have been a Harry Potter fan for over a decade.)

Mom: “I was asleep for a while, but then I snored and woke myself up!”

Me: “You always do that!”

Dad: “Well, it’s really a snarfle. She could stay asleep if she snored; it’s the snarfles that get her.

Me: “Ugh, those snarfles. They’re probably related to the nargles. Nargles are nasty. They buzz around your head and get into your ears and—”

(My brother is staring.)

Me: “What? Don’t you read The Quibbler?”

Brother: “You just ruined the whole thing! It was just fine without the Harry Potter reference!”

(I throw my hands in the air.)

Me: “Thank you! At least you knew it was Harry Potter!”

Brother: “How could I not? I had to live with hearing every last tid-bit about it for years!”

Me: “I suspect nargles.”