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    Category: Pets & Animals

    Accidental Obedience

    | Powell River, BC, Canada | Pets & Animals

    (My husband and I have adopted a shelter dog. She has some ‘issues.’ We are getting ready to go out.)

    Me: “[Dog], come! Sit!”

    (She actually does.)

    Me: “Good girl! You almost looked like you were obeying, instead of just accidentally sauntering in my direction.”

    No Cur For This Trauma

    | NY, USA | Parents & Guardians, Pets & Animals

    (I walk into my room to find my stuffed dog on my pillow, ‘holding’ a book.)

    Me: “Mom, why is my dog reading a book?”

    Mom: “I just wanted to make you laugh!”

    Me: “You turned it to the part about shooting a mad dog and gave it to my dog! She’s traumatized!”

    Mom: *laughing uncontrollably* “It was honestly an accident! I swear!”

    Me: “Traumatized, Mom!”

    Garage Humor

    | Rescue, CA, USA | Pets & Animals

    (I am a teenager. I am standing outside in the driveway of our house while my mom is in the garage and my father is digging around fruitlessly in our shed behind me.)

    Dad: *walks out frustrated* “Where the h*** is my hoe?”

    Me: “She’s in the garage.”

    Dad: *laughing*

    Mom: *coming out of the garage and trying to hold back her laughter* “That is not a nice thing to say about your mother!”

    Lamp-ooning Your Attempts To Discipline

    | Canada | Pets & Animals

    (I’m curled up in bed when my dog starts licking the carpet.)

    Dog: *lick lick lick*

    Me: “Bad dog! Stop licking my carpet!”

    Dog: *lick lick lick*

    Me: “Fine you asked for it.” *reaches to throw pillow at dog but instead knocks over a lamp*


    Me: “Well, I suppose that works, too.”

    Dog: *lick lick lick*

    Me: “Oh, come on!”

    Attack Of The Snake-Spider!

    | USA | Parents & Guardians, Pets & Animals

    (I am talking to my mom one night while I have free time, just catching up with her, as we haven’t talked on the phone in a while. I mention the fact that the reason my boyfriend would like to move to Alaska is because there are no snakes, and mention the agreement we have in place: if I bring home a snake, he brings home a tarantula, as I absolutely loathe spiders.)

    Mom: “What’s wrong with tarantulas? They don’t look like spiders.”

    Me: “But they ARE a spider. And a big furry one at that!”

    Mom: “Exactly! They look like something you can pet and take out on a leash!”

    Me: “…I don’t want to walk a tarantula on a leash. Are you sure we’re related?”

    That Behavior Is Just Not Cricket

    | USA | Parents & Guardians, Pets & Animals

    (When I am 11 I discover a baby snake under our doormat one day and decide to keep it for a pet. My mother’s not too pleased.)

    Mom: “It’s poisonous and it’s going to bite you! You’ll die!”

    Me: “I already checked: it’s not.”

    (I check and find out that it eats crickets, so I go outside to catch it some. Problem is, the only ones I can find are big, nasty ones, so I catch one and put it in with my new snake in a cage.)

    Me: *to self* “Maybe I should kill the cricket… Nah, no need. I heard snakes like to eat their food alive, not mashed.”

    (I figure that nature will take its course and the snake will kill and eat the cricket, but I wake up and find out the other way around happened. My poor snake is partially eaten and the big nasty cricket is hopping around like mad.)

    Mom: “What happened?!” *realizes* “Oh, my god!”

    Me: *crying sadly* “My poor snake! Stupid cricket!”

    (My mom tried to hold back laughter but failed, and dad came to find mom laughing hysterically and me mashing the cricket to death, crying bitterly. He decided we’d lost our minds and made a beeline for the door!)

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