Category: Pets & Animals

Lamp-ooning Your Attempts To Discipline

| Canada | Pets & Animals

(I’m curled up in bed when my dog starts licking the carpet.)

Dog: *lick lick lick*

Me: “Bad dog! Stop licking my carpet!”

Dog: *lick lick lick*

Me: “Fine you asked for it.” *reaches to throw pillow at dog but instead knocks over a lamp*

(CRASH.)

Me: “Well, I suppose that works, too.”

Dog: *lick lick lick*

Me: “Oh, come on!”

Attack Of The Snake-Spider!

| USA | Parents & Guardians, Pets & Animals

(I am talking to my mom one night while I have free time, just catching up with her, as we haven’t talked on the phone in a while. I mention the fact that the reason my boyfriend would like to move to Alaska is because there are no snakes, and mention the agreement we have in place: if I bring home a snake, he brings home a tarantula, as I absolutely loathe spiders.)

Mom: “What’s wrong with tarantulas? They don’t look like spiders.”

Me: “But they ARE a spider. And a big furry one at that!”

Mom: “Exactly! They look like something you can pet and take out on a leash!”

Me: “…I don’t want to walk a tarantula on a leash. Are you sure we’re related?”

That Behavior Is Just Not Cricket

| USA | Parents & Guardians, Pets & Animals

(When I am 11 I discover a baby snake under our doormat one day and decide to keep it for a pet. My mother’s not too pleased.)

Mom: “It’s poisonous and it’s going to bite you! You’ll die!”

Me: “I already checked: it’s not.”

(I check and find out that it eats crickets, so I go outside to catch it some. Problem is, the only ones I can find are big, nasty ones, so I catch one and put it in with my new snake in a cage.)

Me: *to self* “Maybe I should kill the cricket… Nah, no need. I heard snakes like to eat their food alive, not mashed.”

(I figure that nature will take its course and the snake will kill and eat the cricket, but I wake up and find out the other way around happened. My poor snake is partially eaten and the big nasty cricket is hopping around like mad.)

Mom: “What happened?!” *realizes* “Oh, my god!”

Me: *crying sadly* “My poor snake! Stupid cricket!”

(My mom tried to hold back laughter but failed, and dad came to find mom laughing hysterically and me mashing the cricket to death, crying bitterly. He decided we’d lost our minds and made a beeline for the door!)

Cat On A Hot Tin Oven

| Sparta, WI, USA | Children, Pets & Animals, Theme Of The Month

(As a young teen, I always babysit for money. One family has multiple children, the youngest – a three-year-old boy – a real hellion.)

Me: “Okay, kids. I’m going to start dinner while you play.”

(I turn the oven on to preheat while pulling pizzas out of the freezer. I am unwrapping the pizzas when a horrible yowling starts reverberating through the kitchen. After a few seconds of shock, I realized it is a very unhappy cat – and the sound is coming from the oven I’d just turned on! I run to the oven and throw it open. A cat comes screaming out of it!)

Me: *genuinely shocked* “What the heck just happened?”

(The oldest girl comes to the door of the kitchen.)

Oldest Girl: “Was the cat in the oven again?”

Me: “Yes! What on earth was the cat doing in the oven? ”

Oldest Girl: “Oh, [Rambunctious Toddler] has taken to shoving the cats in the weirdest places.”

Me: “Why didn’t anyone warn me to look in the oven before preheating it?!”

(That cat never came close to me again. I found out later she had hidden in the garage. I actually yelled at the parents for not warning me about this new toddler tendency, which was weird for me as I was a shy teen. And even though I’m in my 30s now, I still always check the location of any cats in the house before turning on an oven!)

Looking For That Great White Romance

| USA | Pets & Animals, Siblings

(My older brother, my dad, and I are all sitting in the living room watching ‘Sharknado’ because we are really bored. Some girl gets eaten by a shark and my brother slams his hand down on the sofa.)

Brother: “Story of my life!”

Me: “What?”

Brother: “Every time! Every time I meet a pretty girl, she gets eaten by sharks!”

Still Puppy Loves You

| Atlanta, GA, USA | LGTBQ, Parents & Guardians, Pets & Animals

(I came out to my mother several years earlier, and while she never loved me any less because of it, it has taken her some time to come to terms with and accept it.)

Me: “I think my mind is telling me I want a puppy. I keep finding myself wandering over to the dog section at the store, or at [Popular Pet Store].”

Mom: “You mean I’m going to be a grandmother after all?”

(After hearing her joke about it like that, I knew it meant she was finally all right with it.)


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