(I am the girlfriend of the author of the story Putting The Knee Into A Jerk on Not Always Romantic. I’m having dinner with her, her sister and her 3-year-old twin niece and nephew.)

Niece: “Mommy, Mommy! Me and [brother] know what we want to be when we grow up!”

Mother: “That’s nice! What do you want to be?”

Niece and nephew: *simultaneously* “Lesbian like auntie!”

(My girlfriend’s jaw drops in surprise, while their mom is laughing so hard, she almost falls out of her chair.)

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Meet The Cannibal Family

(After a sleepover, I return my niece to her parents.)

Her dad: “What has auntie given you as dinner?”

Niece: “My favourite! Chicken and curry-sauce.”

Her dad: “How did she make the sauce?”

Me: “I used grandma’s recipe.”

Grandma: “But I just use the brand sauce.”

Me: “Exactly. I knew I couldn’t go wrong with it!”

(I’m babysitting my nieces and nephews. The oldest nephew, who’s about 5, comes up to me wearing his sister’s Cinderella costume; dress, tiara, and magic wand.)

Me: “Hello, Cinderella.”

Nephew: “Hello!”

Me: “So, you’re a princess today?”

Nephew: “Yes, I’m Cinderella… but I’m a superhero!”

Me: “You are?”

Nephew: “Yes!” *points wand at me and makes exploding noises* “Now you’re frozen and can’t catch me! That’s her power!” *runs away*

(I’ve always been a very calm person, even at thirteen. I am making waffles, when the toaster catches on fire. I put out the fire go into the living room where my uncle is sitting on the couch.)

Me: *holding my breakfast* “The kitchen was on fire.”

Uncle: *not paying attention* “Uh-huh.”

Me: *shrug* “Okay.” *goes into room to eat food*

(Two minutes pass, and my uncle come bursting in the room, looking panicked.)

Uncle: *shouting* “Why didn’t you tell me the kitchen was on fire!? I nearly choked on the smoke!”

Me: “But I did.”

Uncle: “You said it too calm. I thought you were joking!”

Me: “Did you want me to run around in circles or something?”

Uncle: “Yes!”

(I have just taken my 14-year-old nephew to see ‘The Dark Knight Rises’. We are both massive fans of Batman and they have seen all the movies, animated and live action… apart from one.)

Nephew: “That was awesome; all the Batman films are awesome. I don’t think you can make a bad Batman film.”

Me: “They managed to do it in 1997.”

Nephew: “Naah, it’s not possible to make a bad Batman film.”

(We continue this argument for a few minutes until I decide the time is right for him to realise the truth. I whack on Joel Schumacher’s ‘Batman and Robin’. Initially excited, he is silent for 125 minutes. As the credits play I turn to him.)

Me: “So, what did you think?”

(He is in shock at his beloved Dark Knight, cast in the campy controversy that is ‘Batman and Robin’. He is silent for a minute.)

Nephew: “This has to be the worst film in the entire world.”

Me: “You want to hear something worse? When this was out I worked in a cinema. I had to see this over 150 times. Over a very long, hot summer.”

Nephew: “How did you see this all those times and not go crazy?”

Me: “Vodka, sweetie, and lots of it.”