(I am visiting my nephew. He is telling me about his friends.)

Nephew: “…and I have another friend who’s a ninja!”

Me: “A ninja? Can I see him?”

Nephew: “No, no-one ever sees him. Even I’ve never seen him, ’cause he’s a ninja.”

Me: “If you’ve never seen him, how do you know he’s there?”

Nephew: *shrugs* “He’s not a very good ninja…”

(My boyfriend is meeting my family for the first time, including my beloved 2-year-old niece. He is absolutely clueless when it comes to kids, which makes him uncomfortable around them. He is very physically imposing, which makes them shy around him. It’s Christmas Day, and my niece has just finished opening her presents, which include several Dora The Explorer toys and sticker books. The adults are in the kitchen talking when my niece approaches my boyfriend and pulls on his pant leg.)

Niece: “Wanna play Dora with me?”

Boyfriend: *surprised* “Well, sure.”

(He smiles and shrugs as he follows her into the living room. Fifteen minutes later, I go to grab something from my bag, I walk in on the cutest sight: My 6’6″ boyfriend sitting at a children’s tea table with Dora stickers covering his arms, shirt and face. My niece is in the act on placing one on his nose.)

Boyfriend: *straight-faced* “Apparently, this is where the stickers go.”

Me: *choking back laughter, but trying to rescue him* “Baby, don’t you want to put any of the stickers in the book?”

Niece: “No! He’s prettier now!”

Boyfriend: “Honey, honey. Come on. I’m prettier now.”

Me: “Okay, then. Carry on!”

(I ended up marrying him, and to this day, he’s still my niece’s favorite playmate!)

(My sister and her family live several states away so we don’t get to see them much. During a visit, my parents take my nephews, who are 9 and 8 years old, to the aquarium. My dad and the youngest go to use the restroom leaving my mom and the 9 year old to chat.)

Mom: “So, do you do stuff like this with your other grandparents?”

Nephew: “No, the only place they really bring us is church… but I don’t really like the pastor there.”

Mom: “Oh, why not?”

Nephew: “Well he’s against gays… and Uncle Brad is gay… and I’m for Uncle Brad.”

(When I was told about this conversation later the evening I gave my nephew a big hug for standing up for his Uncle Brad.)

(My 3-year-old niece is at her mother’s baby shower.)

Mother’s Friend: “Okay. Time to open your gifts!”

Mother: “All right.”

Niece: “No! I have to open the presents!”

Mother: “Why?”

Niece: “I have to practice for my birthday!”

(My brother is obsessed with zombies, so naturally my nieces are too. The youngest, only three, calls them ‘zalamies’ and occasionally pretends to be one.)

3-year-old Niece: “Auntie, grrr! I’m a zalamie!”

Me: “Oh no! A zalamie! Ahhhh!”

(I pretend to run away to her parent’s bedroom, where my sister-in-law is working on her computer.)

Me: “Run! Save yourself! It’s a zalamie!”

Sister-in-Law: “Oh no!”

(At this point, my niece catches up to me and starts nibbling my leg and growling.)

Me: “Argh! It got me! Help!”

(Suddenly, my niece bites down HARD on the back of my calf. I cry out in pain and collapse to the floor, narrowly avoiding landing on top of her. My niece stares wide-eyed at me clutching my leg and fighting back curses, realizing she’s done something bad, and bursts into tears.)

3-year-old Niece: “I DON’T WANNA BE A ZALAMIE ANYMORE!”