(I am pregnant. My eight-year-old nephew is totally disinterested.)

Me: “So, I went to see the doctor today, and found out something pretty exciting.”

Sister: “Oh, did you find out the sex?”

(My nephew is playing with Lego nearby, still disinterested.)

Me: “No! But when he did the scan, he saw something pretty cool.”

Sister: “What! Tell me!”

Me: “I am having twins!”

(My nephew is suddenly animated and interested.)

Nephew: “Oh, wow! That’s amazing! Twins! I can’t wait to tell everyone at school you are having two babies joined together!”

Me: “Uh, no, that’s siamese-twins. I am having two babies, but they aren’t going to be joined together.”

Nephew: “Oh.”

(He loses all interest, and goes back to playing with Lego.)

(My five-year-old nephew is getting interested in superheroes and monsters. My girlfriend teaches him all about the X-Men, and is trying to have him come up with ideas for new superheroes and their powers. She notices that most of his ideas are too violent, so she’s trying to encourage him to think of more creative ideas.)

Nephew: “So, then the good guys shoot the bad guys with a cannon!”

Girlfriend: “Isn’t that a bit violent?”

Nephew: “No, it’s a… it’s a cannon that shoots adhesive tape!”

(Later…)

Nephew: “So then all the bad guys died.”

Girlfriend: “No violence!”

Nephew: “That’s okay; they just died of old age!”

(I am babysitting my three-year-old nephew. He has only just begun using the ‘big boy’ toilet.)

Nephew: “I just had a big boy poop!”

Me: “Good job, buddy! Did you clean yourself up really well when you were done?”

Nephew: “Nah, my underwear gets it.”

(I’m at the store with my aunt, who is stubborn about using newer technology. I only have a few items, so I’m using self checkout.)

Aunt: “What are you doing over here? I’ve already put my stuff on the belt at the next register!”

(This register has three other people in line, all with many items.)

Me: “It’s okay; I’ll probably be done before you are anyway.”

(I resume scanning my items, while my aunt watches. When I’m done, I give the machine a $20 bill. It instructs me to take my change. My aunt’s eyebrows shoot up to the top of her forehead as she gasps.)

Aunt: “It gives you your change?! So… it’s like a vending machine… for GROCERIES?!”

Me: “Uh… yeah. I suppose.”

(My aunt rushes back to her old register, which has barely moved. All the people are staring at her. She brings her items over to me.)

Aunt: “DO MINE NEXT! I WANT TO USE THE GROCERY VENDING MACHINE!”

Me: “…I can’t take you anywhere…”

(I’m at a bike rally with my uncle, who is a big, scary, biker guy. I’m a lesbian, and I’ve been trying to find a way to come out to him.)

Uncle: “Would you look at the rack on that one!”

Me: “What a waste.”

Uncle: “What do you mean?”

Me: “They’re too big.”

Uncle: “You are not my niece! There is no such thing as too much boob!”

Me: “Yes there is. You’re just a glutton.”

(A few days later…)

Uncle: “Were you trying to tell me something the other day?”

Me: “I’m gay?”

Uncle: “Well, you’re a lousy gay! There’s no such thing as too much boob!”