May's Theme Of The Month: Movie Mayhem!

Category: Grandparents

No Time For Kill-Joys

| IA, USA | Grandparents, Siblings

(My brothers, sister, grandmother, and I are going swimming during mid-summer. We tend to avoid huge crowds and my grandmother is a very busy woman. When we get to the lake, my sister points out a peninsula with a rocky outcrop.)

Sister: “Let’s go there. Nobody will bother us.”

Me: “I don’t think we’re supposed to do that. It’s really rocky and it might kill us.”

Grandmother: *quietly* “I don’t have time for that.”

Brother #1: “We’ll just throw [Sister] off. It’ll be okay.”

Grandmother: “Didn’t you hear me; I said I don’t have time to attend your funerals.”

Brother #2: “So? We’ll just share one. [Sister] will be on the bottom.”

Sister: *outraged* “What?! Why me?”

Grandmother: “I still don’t have time.”

How To Alienate Grandma

| USA | Grandparents

(I have my favorite character from one of my favorite video games as the wallpaper on my laptop. Note that it is fairly obvious just from a quick glance that she’s clearly not human.)

Grandmother: “Oh, who’s that woman on your screen?”

Me: “That’s my character’s alien girlfriend in [Video Game].”

Grandmother: “Alien? So what country is she from then?”

Me: “…Space?”

(A week later she asked me if the angel on my other laptop’s desktop was an alien robot. I now know to put generic images of bunnies and kittens on the desktop when I use my laptop around her.)

Stop Trying Our Patience

| WA, USA | Cousins, Grandparents

(My cousin is driving our elderly grandmother to an appointment and since there is no other traffic, decides to see if he can get a rise out of her. He speeds up, then comes to a screeching halt at a stop sign.

Grandma: “Quit driving like a maniac!”

Cousin: “I was just following directions; see, it says S-T-O-P. That stands for ‘Squeal Tires On Pavement.'”

Grandma: “It does NOT! It stands for ‘Stop Teasing Old People!'”

Were Never Quite Married To The Idea

| OH, USA | Grandparents

(My late grandmother had a very strained relationship with her parents as a young adult, as well as a passive-aggressive streak a mile wide. She started dating my much older grandfather behind their backs, ran off to Kentucky and married him, and then went home again that night as if everything was normal. Several days later her parents see her calmly walking toward the front door with a suitcase in her hand.)

Great-Grandfather: “Where do you think you’re going?”

Grandmother: *calmly* “Oh, I’m moving out.”

Great-Grandmother: “MOVING OUT? Oh, no, you’re not! Where do you think you’re going to live?”

Grandmother: “With my husband.”

Great-Grandfather: “YOUR WHAT?”

Grandmother: *cheerfully* “With my husband. I got married.”

Great-Grandmother: “When did THIS happen?!”

Grandmother: “Three days ago. Goodbye!” *walks out of house*

(She said it was a year and a half before they were willing to speak to her again.)

Not Exactly Screaming Stealth

| USA | Grandparents, Siblings

(My grandmother is hard of hearing, which is compounded by the fact that she doesn’t always listen when you’re trying to talk to her. We’re out trying to catch some kittens that someone abandoned at my aunt’s house, a mission that requires some stealth, and as we’re getting out of the car it occurs to me that I have my house keys clipped to my pants and I can’t exactly be stealthy with my butt jingling, so I go to take them off.)

Me: “Hang on, guys; I need to leave my keys here.”

(My grandmother notices that one of the doors, mine, is still open, so she can’t lock the car.)

Grandmother: “Come on, guys. Close that door!

Me: *a little louder, so she can hear me* “I’ll get it in a second. I need to leave my—”

Grandmother: “[My Name], what are you doing?!”

Me: “I’M TRYING TO TELL YOU THAT I NEED TO LEAVE MY KEYS IN THE CAR!”

(I finally get them off, close the door, and start following them.)

Sister: “You didn’t really have to scream it.”

Me: “Yes, I did. This morning I shouted something to her across the car and she yelled at me to stop mumbling…”

Her Memory Is Relative(s)

| MI, USA | Grandparents, Siblings

(My grandmother has Alzheimer’s, and as such, often forgets that she’s already told a story multiple times. It is Thanksgiving and this year [Aunt] and [Boyfriend], who is dating [Aunt], were not able to make it. My grandma highly dislikes her daughter’s boyfriend for various reasons. Therefore, during this family gathering, she takes the opportunity to complain about him. We mostly let it go because he’s not the greatest person and due to her illness.)

Grandma: “That [Boyfriend!] I just can’t stand him. He’s so self-centered! Did you know he has a sister? And he never talks to her!”

Me: “Aw, that is terrible.”

(A little while later…)

Grandma: “And I’ll tell ya, that [Boyfriend], he’s terrible for [Aunt]! Did you know he doesn’t even talk to his sister?”

Brother: “Yeah, that’s not good.”

(And again…)

Grandma: “Did you know [Boyfriend] has a sister? And he never talks to her! The nerve of him!”

Cousin: “That’s not very nice of him.”

(A little later on, we’ve just had a tense conversation about something unrelated as a family. And then this happens…)

Mom: “Yeah, after all, [Boyfriend] has a sister and he—”

Grandma: “[Boyfriend] has a sister?!”

(My grandmother passed away two years ago, but I know she’d laugh at herself at this!)


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