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    Category: Grandparents

    Severe Lack Of Knowledge

    | WA, USA | Grandparents

    (I’m a college student majoring in philosophy. I’m telling my grandfather about my classes.)

    Me: “And I’m taking a class in epistemology—”

    Grandfather: “Wait, what?”

    Me: “Epistemology. It’s the study of knowledge, basically.”

    Grandfather: “Then why didn’t you say study of knowledge?”

    Me: “I did. By saying epistemology.”

    Grandfather: “You know what I thought that was?”

    Me: “What?”

    Grandfather: “The study of pissing!”

    Wanna Get High (Up North)

    | OH, USA | Grandparents

    (I am driving back to my grandma’s house after she had a doctor appointment. We are driving down a country road when we see a car that seems lost. I see their car plates.)

    Me: “Oh, they’re from Canada!”

    Grandma: “Must be drug dealers.”

    Me: “What? Why are they drug dealers? They could just be a couple of people lost.”

    Grandma: “People from Canada come to the United States all the time to sell drugs.”

    (Later my grandma’s insurance man has come to the house to speak with her.)

    Grandma: “So, I’ve seen two drug dealers today…”

    Me: *face palm*

    In Case Of Hit, Pull Here

    | USA | Grandparents

    (I am about 14, on vacation with my sisters and my grandmother. My grandmother has rented a sedan for the trip. As she opens the trunk so we can stow some beach gear inside, I notice there is a glow-in-the-dark latch with instructions printed on it inside. It looks like a device to pop the trunk in case you get trapped inside.)

    Me: “What a weird thing to have inside your trunk.”

    Grandmother: *deadpans* “It’s the anti-mafia latch. Usually you’re dead when they put you in the trunk, but in case you’re not…”

    Breaking The Silence

    | USA | Grandparents

    (I’m in high school. My grandmother is driving me to a doctor’s appointment after school when a rainstorm starts up. The rain gets so heavy that we can’t see anything, even with the windshield wipers on full power. There is traffic around us and I’m getting worried. My grandmother is unfazed.)

    Me: “Grandma, shouldn’t we pull over?”

    Grandmother: “No, we’re fine.”

    (A few minutes go by. The rain doesn’t let up.)

    Grandmother: “You know, sometimes in the rain… brakes fail.”

    Me: “What?!”

    Grandmother: “I just thought you’d want to know.”

    Me: “Why would I want to know that?!”

    Not-So-Great Grandmother

    | Sydney, NSW, Australia | Grandparents, Parents & Guardians

    (My cousin and her kids are visiting with my grandmother. I go in with my two-year-old son to say hello. We haven’t seen each other in years. My son goes over to look at the pretty things Grandma has in her glass-door china cabinet. He’s standing back, not touching it.)

    Grandmother: “[My Name], get him away from there! I’LL NOT HAVE ANOTHER DOOR BROKEN. It cost me a LOT to get it replaced.”

    Me: “It wasn’t him that broke it.” *to my son* “Come on, [Son]. We’ll go and find Nanna before you get blamed for anything else.”

    (My cousin looks daggers at me. I am fuming as I take him out of the room, knowing that my grandmother did it on purpose to make my child look bad to my cousin. I head to Mum’s part of the house.)

    Me: “Remind me not to let [Son] go in there anymore. I’m not having him blamed for things he didn’t do.”

    Mum: “What’s wrong?”

    Me:  ”She implied to [Cousin] that [Son] broke the door to the china cabinet and then went on as if I hadn’t paid for the damage.”

    Mum: “What? She broke it herself.”

    Me: “Yes, before both of my kids were even born.”


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