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    Category: Grandparents

    Too Much Reading, Not Enough Speaking

    | USA | Grandparents, Theme Of The Month

    (My mother is on the phone with my grandmother and has just told her about a new book she bought me.)

    Grandmother: “Oh, [My Name] is such a reader! You know, she gets that from me. I’ve always been such a big reader. And now that I’m retarded, I have much more time to read.”

    (My mother had to hang up the phone because she couldn’t stop laughing. My grandmother didn’t understand what had happened. FYI, she meant to say ‘retired.’)

    Facebook Of The Dead

    | USA | Grandparents

    (My grandmother is visiting, and is on her Facebook. My dad notices that she doesn’t really know what she’s doing, and has about 50 friend requests. As she’s going through the list.)

    Grandmother: “Oh, [Dad], look, it’s [Name]. He died long ago; I wonder how he got on there?”

    Me: “…”

    Disgracefully Put In Her Place

    | The Netherlands | Grandparents

    (We’re having a family gathering for my grandma’s birthday at a party location. My parents take me and my grandma there. My older sister drives there by herself with her husband and her kid. Before we leave to pick up grandma, my mother fumes about my cousin.)

    Mother: “[My Name], just remember not to talk about [Cousin] with grandma. It’s a disgrace.”

    Me: “Eh, what, exactly?”

    Mother: “She’s having a child while not being married! It’s a disgrace. Luckily, [Older Sister] did it better. Grandma is so disappointed about [Cousin]. Don’t mention it to her today; we don’t want her to get upset.”

    (We pick up grandma and she comes to sit next to me in the back seat. After a few blocks, she starts chatting with me. My mom listens in from the front seat.)

    Grandma: “You know, I am SO happy for [Cousin] that she got pregnant.”

    Me: “Um, yes… yes.”

    Grandma: “You know, in my time, it was a disgrace to have kids before you were wed. But times have changed! These days, it’s so much better. People first start living together, get to know each other, get kids. Being wed isn’t so important anymore as it used to be.”

    (My mother’s look I spotted in the rear-view mirror? Priceless!)

    Can’t Hear The Irony

    | Burlington, ON, Canada | Grandparents, Theme Of The Month

    (My music class and another older music class put on a school Christmas concert, led by my music teacher. My mother and grandmother, who is hard of hearing, come to watch. Afterward, my mother tells me something that happened during the concert.)

    Music Teacher: *to the audience* “The next performance will be, ‘Do You Hear What I Hear?’”

    Grammy: *to my mother* “What? What did he say?”

    Mom: *loudly* “He said, ‘DO YOU HEAR WHAT I HEAR?’”

    (They and the many audience members who heard them started laughing.)

    Talking Turkey During Prayer

    | England, UK | Grandparents, Theme Of The Month

    (It’s Christmas day, and my family and I are sitting in a full but silent church, as everyone is praying.)

    Grandma: *loudly, to Mum* “Did you put the turkey in, dear?”

    (Cue silent laughter.)

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