• Poetry Getting A Frosty Reception
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    Category: Grandparents

    Her Vision Is Not Quite Rock-Solid

    | Knoxville, TN, USA | Grandparents

    (My grandmother had pretty notable issues with her vision. I came to visit her in the hospital. Her room had a nice view of a river, and she was enjoying it.)

    Grandmother: “Do you see the ducks in the river?”

    (I look.)

    Me: “I don’t see any ducks, Granny.”

    Grandmother: “They’re on the river bank.”

    (I look again.)

    Me: “I don’t see them.”

    Grandmother: “Oh, they’re asleep. They put their heads under their wings to sleep, you know.”

    (At that point, I realize she was looking at the rocks on the river bank.)

    Me: “Oh, I see them now!”

    Poetry Getting A Frosty Reception

    | USA | Grandparents

    (I’m on a walk in the woods with my grandparents, and we come across a fork in the road, one of the paths clearly more often used.)

    Me: *strikes dramatic pose* “Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, and I took the one less traveled by…”

    Grandmother: “What?”

    Me: “Oh, I was just quoting Robert Frost. You know, ‘The Road Not Taken’?”

    Grandfather: “Who’s Robert Frost? Is that from a song or something?”

    Me: “No, he was a famous poet.”

    Grandmother: “Oh. Well, you can’t expect me to keep up with all these modern celebrities.”

    Me: “…he died over fifty years ago…”

    Grandma’s Tart Responses

    | New Zealand | Grandparents, In-Laws, Parents & Guardians

    (I’m at a family Easter lunch and we’ve just started serving dessert: a banana pudding and apple tarts.)

    Father: *to his brother-in law* “What do you want?”

    Brother-In-Law: “I’ll have an apple tart.”

    Grandma: *about her daughter* “He’s always been partial to the old tarts!”

    Making You Lose Your Head

    | Urbandale, IA, USA | Grandparents, Nephews & Nieces

    (I have been in a long distance relationship for a year or two, and have spoken with all my girlfriend’s family online at various points, most commonly with her six-year-old niece. I am finally visiting her family, and when her niece gets home from school, I am out of the room. When I re-enter, I see her pinning something to the front of the fridge and quietly walk up behind her. She eventually notices me, and jumps in surprise, immediately going to hide behind her grandmother.)

    Grandmother: “Oh, honey, that’s just [My Name]. You’ve seen him before on the computer!

    Niece: “Yeah, but he was just a head!”

    The Mile-Cry Club

    | USA | Grandparents, Parents & Guardians

    (I am seven, and my family is traveling over 4000 miles to visit my mom’s family for the first time.)

    Me: “Mom? I feel sick.”

    Mom: “You just need some food in your belly. Oh, here’s our meals.”

    (The stewardess arrives with our meals, and one whiff is all I need to take before I start to gag.)

    Me: “Mom, this is gross. I can’t eat this.”

    Mom: “You’ll eat it all! Your dad and I paid for it!”

    (I refuse, but Mom makes me eat it ALL. Now I feel REALLY sick. I stumble along when we land to my grandmother’s house, where my mom proudly introduces me to my grandma.)

    Mom: “Mom, this is [My Name].”

    Grandma: “Well, come closer. Let me have a look at you…”

    (I go closer and start throwing up. Someone brings me a bag, while Mom says something about airsickness. She says nothing to me, but on the way back, she doesn’t make me eat that horrible airplane food.)

    What Is This Smelly Madness?!

    | Allentown, PA, USA | Grandparents

    (I collect plastic models of dragons, animals, and prehistoric creatures, every single one of which has a name, and just got a kaprosuchus from my grandmother. Note that my grandmother is hard of hearing.)

    Grandmother: “So what are you going to name it?”

    Me: “His name’s Sparta.”

    Grandmother: “You named it Farta?!”

    Me: “Yeah… that’s totally what I named him, because I’m, like, five years old…”

    Grandmother: “Well, I’m not calling it that!”

    (She’s still under the impression that I now own a plastic crocodile named Farta…)

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