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    Category: Grandparents

    Her Knowledge Of The Moon Never Landed

    | Burlington, ON, Canada | Grandparents

    (My grandma dropped out of school when she was 14 and has never been particularly “book smart.” One night we are walking out to the car after visiting a friend of the family in the hospital. My grandma looks up at the moon.)

    Grammy: “What is it that casts the shadow on the moon?”

    (She was completely serious.)

     Pick-Up Ain’t What It Used To Be

    | Newberg, OR, USA | Grandparents

    Grandmother: “It looks like they’re opening up a new hotel in [Town]. Do you know where that is?”

    Grandfather: “Yeah, I used to go there to pick up guys.”

    Me: *hysterical laughter*

    Mom: “What?”

    Me: “Now I’m just picturing him at a gay bar.”

    Grandfather: “Oh, I never got out of the car. I just shouted until some of them came over!”

    (It turns out he meant he would pick up daily laborers. Still, picturing my stoic, Danish grandfather at a modern gay bar is just a hilarious juxtaposition.)

    Just Left The Grandma Zone Of Conversation

    | FL, USA | Grandparents

    (I’m getting lunch with my mother, grandmother, and sister. Somehow, the discussion of my potential breast-reduction surgery has come up.)

    Grandmother: “Did the doctor tell you about the risks?”

    Me: “Yeah, there’s a low risk of not being able to breastfeed, as well as some possible numbness.”

    Grandmother: “I hope not. My nipples were always my most impressive erogenous zone…”

    Everyone Else: *chokes on food*

    They Have A Toad In The Hole

    | CO, USA | Grandparents

    (I am about four years old. Whenever my Grandpa would pass gas he would tell me, ‘oops, Grandpa sat on a frog!’ My Grandpa and Grandma #1 were coming to stay with us for a couple of days, as they live out of state. I am jumping on the bed while Grandma #1 and Grandma #2 are watching with my parents and I pass gas.)

    Grandma #2: “What do you say?”

    Me: *stops jumping and proudly announces* “Oops! There’s a frog in my butt!”

    (Grandma #2 was mortified while the rest of my family was dying of laughter, Grandma #1 explained the reasons why I said that.)

    Grandma #2: “Well, no Granddaughter of mine is going to say things like that!”

    (Grandma #2 spent the next few months teaching me to say ‘pardon me, I fluffed.’ A couple of months later Grandpa and Grandma #1 are back in town and we are all at a restaurant together. I pass gas and the family looks at me.)

    Me: *glancing at Grandma #2* “Pardon me, my frog just fluffed!”

    The Future Of Back To The Future

    | Ireland | Aunts & Uncles, Grandparents

    (I’m at my fiancé’s grandfather’s house, along with my fiancé and his aunt.)

    Aunt: “Well, let’s hope 2015 goes even better than 2014!”

    Me: *joking* “We’ll have hoverboards anyway.”

    Aunt: “What are those?”

    Me: “Oh, you know, from Back to the Future.”

    Aunt & Granddad: *blank looks*

    Me: “The film, Back to the Future.”

    Aunt: “Oh, is that a new film coming out next year?”

    Me: “…yes. Yes, it is.”

    (My fiancé turned his face away from them to hide how much he was laughing.)

    I Swear I Heard Whispering

    | USA | Cousins, Grandparents

    (We have family visiting for the holidays, so my cousin and I have taken refuge in my room to play video games. There’s no noise rule in our house as long as it’s not an unreasonable hour, so we have the TV up pretty loud. My grandmother walks in to talk to us right as we get into an unpausable, unskippable cutscene with a character whose vocabulary consists mostly of swear words. My cousin is frantically trying to mute or turn off the TV before my grandmother gets offended, but she’s standing directly in front of the TV and blocking the signal.)

    Grandma: “So I’d just like to tell you girls that you were both a little too loud last night. I could hear you both whispering all the way down the hall. I would appreciate it if you both would be a little quieter tonight while people are trying to sleep.”

    Me: *cringing from the language coming from the speakers* “Okay, Grandma…”

    (She finally notices my cousin frantically hitting the mute button on the TV remote and looks at the TV.)

    Grandma: “Oh… were you both watching a movie?”

    Cousin: “Yeah, we’re playing a video game…”

    Grandma: “Oh. I didn’t even hear it. Sorry to interrupt. Well, go back to your game now.”

    Cousin: “Did she just seriously complain that she can hear us whispering from down the hall and then not hear the cluster F-bombs blaring from the speaker right behind her?”

    Me: “Yep. This is going on the Internet…”

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