(I am visiting my mother’s house with my three-year-old daughter. My mom tells me that her dryer needs to be replaced, because it is tearing up the clothes. My daughter comes into the room.)

Daughter: “Hey Grandma? What’s going on?”"

Mom: “Look, sweetie…”

(She reaches into the laundry basket next to her, and takes the first thing off the top and holds it up.)

Mom: “Look what the dryer did to Grandma’s underwear.”

Daughter: “Oh! It made them huge!”

Related:
Under-Wary

(My grandmother visits right after I turn 18.)

Grandma: “I want to tell you something.”

Me: “Okay.”

Grandma: “It’s very important.”

(She takes both of my hands in hers, and looks grave.)

Me: “Okay…”

Grandma: “If you… if you fool around, you be sure—be sure!—to use a condominium! Promise me!”

(She grips my hands tightly. I try desperately not to crack a smile.)

Me: “I will, Grandma! I promise!”

(I am driving with my five-year-old grandson. We pass a cemetery.)

Grandson: “Oh! A graveyard!”

(I attempt the old groaner kiddie joke about ‘dying to get in’.)

Grandson: “Do you know why they put fences around graveyards?”

Grandson: “Zombies!”

Related:
Logic Of The Dead

(During a family get together, my grandmother flips someone off with a smile on her face.)

Mother: “What was that for?”

Grandmother: “Just saying hello.”

(My entire family then explains what that means, and a variety of other insulting hand symbols.)

Grandmother: “So, all those people who did that in the car weren’t saying hello?”

(At my family reunion, I am really nervous. I am coming out to everyone on my dad’s side of the family, plus having them meet my girlfriend, all at the same time. Upon meeting my girlfriend, this is what my grandma says…)

Grandma: “It’s like having another granddaughter, except you were easier because we didn’t have to birth you!”

(I love my family.)