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    Category: Friends

    Should Just Take It As Read

    | USA | Friends, Parents & Guardians

    (I’m at a friend’s house, and her little sister isn’t quite old enough to read.)

    Mom: “[Friend], can you get my reading glasses, please?”

    Friend: “Sure.” *grabs them and hands them over*

    Friend’s Sister: “What do reading glasses do?”

    Mom: “They help me read.”

    Friend’s Sister: *excited* “Can I try them?”

    Mom: “Sure, why not?” *gives glasses over*

    Friend’s Sister: *puts them on and blinks* “Whoa….” *grabs magazine and stares intently at it before speaking sadly* “Mommy, you need new ones. These aren’t working… I still can’t read!”

    Slow On The Slow On The Uptake

    | St. Paul, MN, USA | Friends, Siblings

    (I sort of help my little brother get his first job, as a busser at a restaurant I’d previously worked and where I am friends with the assistant manager. After his first shift, I ask my friend how he is doing.)

    Friend: “Okay. A little slow, but he’ll get better.”

    Me: *joking* “Slow as in speed, or slow on the uptake?”

    Friend: “Ha ha. Slow as in speed.”

    (Later, I relayed this conversation to my brother.)

    Me: “So I said, ‘Slow as in speed, or slow on the uptake?’.”

    Brother: “Uptake?”

    Boys And Their Toy

    | NS, Canada | Children, Friends

    (My mum and her best friend had daughters within weeks of each other, so we grew up always at each other’s houses. One day when we were about three, there is a guy at our house to fix something when my friend gets dropped off to play. As soon as she comes in:)

    Friend: “There’s a BOY in your house! Why is there a BOY in your house?”

    Mum: “He’s not a boy—” *about to explain that he’s a man because he’s a grownup*

    Friend: *interrupting, and yelling* “—Yes, he is! He’s got a PENIS!”

    (Mum told me she was mortified, and had to apologize to the man because my friend was so loud he had heard every word!)

    Going STRAIGHT For Your LEFT Arm

    | NC, USA | Friends, Parents & Guardians

    (I’m driving my car, with my best friend. We’re headed to the mall to waste some time before I have to go pick my mom up from work and take her to the dealership to pick up her car. I’m telling my friend about my morning. Also relevant: previously I’ve told my friend about how frustrating my mom could be when she was teaching me to drive.)

    Me: “So, when I went to the doctor to adjust my meds, they wanted some bloodwork and a flu shot.”

    Friend: “Ugh!”

    Me: “Yeah, and whenever I get a flu shot, everybody feels the need to clap my on the left shoulder, so I got it in the right side this time. Had the same problem when I got my birth control implant. Mom noticed I was favoring that arm and kept squeezing it!”

    (Fast forward to driving my mom to get her car: she’s in the front passenger seat, and my friend is sitting in the back.)

    Mom: “Yeah, so you’ll want to go straight through this light. Oh! If you turn left here, that’s how I used to go back when I lived on [Street]!”

    Me: “So, do you want me to turn or not?”

    Mom: “No, no. It’s just the right way to get over there.”

    Me: “I’m hearing ‘get over to turn right,’ Mom.”

    Mom: “Ignore me, sweetie. I’m just rambling.” *starts squeezing my right bicep comfortingly*

    Me: “Arm! ARM! Flu shot! Changing gears!”

    Mom: “Oh crap! I keep doing that, don’t I? *reaches over to start messing with my hair, but catches herself*

    (After getting to the dealership in one piece and watching my mom drive off in her car, my friend and I are getting back into my car.)

    Friend: “Holy f***. You’d told me your mom was like that, but I thought you were exaggerating!”

    Me: “At least she wasn’t on the phone this time. ‘Yeah! No no no, go ahead! I just LEFT the store, going RIGHT home STRAIGHT away!'”

    Best Not Leave This One To Chance

    | Indianapolis, IN, USA | Children, Friends

    (I am four years old. My mom just got back from her first trip without me, and my dad and I go to the airport to meet her and her friends.)

    Me: *to first friend* “Are you my mommy?”

    Friend #1: “No, I’m not.”

    Me: *to second friend* “Are you my mommy?

    Friend #2: “No, that’s your mom.”

    (I turn to my mom.)

    Me: “…Who ARE you?”

    (Seeing as she was only gone a week, my parents are naturally a bit concerned that I may have short term memory issues, especially since I was slow to develop mentally and hadn’t been talking for very long. Then, when we get in the car, I turn to my mom.)

    Me: *angrily* “Don’t EVER leave me again!”

    (They both stared at me in shock as I huffed and turned away. My mother says it was the most sarcastic temper tantrum she’d ever seen a four-year-old have.)

    You’ll Get Sick Of That Song Soon

    | CO, USA | Children, Friends, Sons & Daughters

    (My friend is working the welcome table at church. My 13-year-old son is sitting nearby. A woman walks in.)

    Friend: “Hi, welcome to [Church]. Is this your first time?”

    Woman: “Yes, it is.”

    Friend: “Well, welcome, then. Let me show you where we meet.”

    Son: *in full-on opera voice* “Eeeeee Boooooh Laaaaa. Eeeeee Boooooh Laaaaa!”

    Woman: “Uh…”

    Friend: “Oh, um… they must have talked about Ebola in Sunday School this morning.”

    Woman: “Wow, he has a really good singing voice.”

    Friend: “Umm… yes, he does. And quite loud. Here is where we meet for worship.”

    Son: “Eeeee Booooh Laaaaaaa!”


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