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  • November Theme Of The Month: Thanksgiving!

    Category: Cousins

    Graduated To Schedule One

    | OR, USA | Cousins

    (I am at my older cousin’s graduation party, and all his friends have come over and brought some type of food. One of his friends has brought brownies. I grab a brownie and start eating it without thinking.)

    Cousin: “Those aren’t good to eat!”

    Me: *muffled from brownie* “Why?”

    (My cousin turns beet red and tells me they are okay to eat. I eat three brownies in all, as they were pretty small. After everyone leaves my head starts to feel weird. My cousin comes over to me and whispers into my ear. They were marijuana brownies and I was high. I was 12.)

    A Different Kind Of Red, White, And Blue

    | CA, USA | Cousins

    (It’s near the end of June and everyone’s getting ready for 4th of July (USA Independence Day). My cousin is showing her outfit she’s planning on wearing.)

    Cousin: “So I’ve got this and I found these really cute earrings at [Store]! They’re perfect! They’re red, white, and blue and I just love the design!”

    Me: “Umm, that’s the Union Jack pattern.”

    Cousin: “What’s Union Jack?”

    Me: “The UK’s flag… The people we fought to gain our independence from? The reason we’re here?”

    Cousin: “Oh… they’re still cute!”

    (She wore them to the barbecue.)

    Keeping It In The Family

    | TN, USA | Cousins, Distant Relatives, Parents & Guardians

    (My stepmother, despite being in my life since I was four, has a hard comprehending that I have a bigger family than she thinks I do, mostly because my biological mother comes from a large family herself, and both she and my father remarried and had more children.)

    Me: *sees a great-aunt in the store* “Hi, Auntie!”

    Stepmother: “Wait, what? How is she your aunt?”

    Me: “She’s my grandmother’s sister.”

    Stepmother: “No, she’s not.”

    Me: “…My OTHER grandmother. I have five sets of grandparents, remember?”

    Stepmother: “Oh. Right.”

    (A few days later we’re out in town and I see one of my half-sisters, who lives several towns over.)

    Me: “Hey, sis!”

    Sister: “Hey!” *turns to her friends* “This is my sister—”

    Stepmother: “I don’t know her. How is she your sister?!”

    Me: “She and I share a mother…?”

    Stepmother: “Oh. OH.”

    (And then that summer…)

    Stepmother: “We’re having a family reunion! Don’t you wanna come and see your family?”

    Me: *jokingly* “You have a hard enough time keeping my blood relatives straight. Do you really want to add your family into the mix?”

    Stepmother: “I know my own family at least!”

    (But lo and behold:)

    Me: “I’m gonna go play with [Cousin my age].”

    Stepmother: “I don’t know them. You can’t just go off with some random stranger!”

    Me: “It’s YOUR COUSIN!”

    Stepmother: “…Oh!”

    (I skipped the next reunion.)

    Just Go With Option Number Two

    | Finland | Cousins, Sons & Daughters

    (My cousin and I are babysitting her two siblings, three-year-old twins. The twins are occupied with their own games so we let a movie, which is probably not suited for children at all, run in the background while we’re talking. Suddenly in the movie, a man wearing nothing but white underwear gets… visibly aroused. Of course that’s when one of the twins look up.)

    Twin #1: “Oh, no! He pooped in his pants!”

    Twin #2: *looks up* “Oh, no! Diaper change!”

    Both: “Poo! Poo! Poo! Diaper change! Poo!”

    (Both twins continued cheering while we were absolutely mortified, and of course, rolling on the floor laughing at the same time. We made sure to change the channel back to something appropriate.)

    An Alarming Determination

    | LA, USA | Children, Cousins

    (My cousins and I were returning from a wonderful game of bowling. As we are leaving, my younger cousin asks me a question:)

    Younger Cousin: “Can you spend the night tonight?”

    Me: “Sorry, but I can’t. I have to go home tonight so I can get ready for [Important Meeting] tomorrow.”

    Younger Cousin: “But you have to spend the night. Your mom left and locked all the doors!”

    Me: “I have a key to the door, though.”

    Younger Cousin: *taken aback* “So?”

    Me: “That means I can unlock the door and get in the house.”

    (He thinks about it…)

    Younger Cousin: “Well, your mom set the alarm, so the police will come.”

    Me: “I know the code.”

    Younger Cousin: “So?”

    Me: “I can deactivate the alarm.”

    Younger Cousin: “Well, the police will come, anyway.”

    Me: “I’ll tell them that I live there.”

    Younger Cousin: “They won’t believe you.”

    Me: “Then I’ll get my mom on the phone and she’ll tell them that I live there.”

    Younger Cousin: “They won’t believe her, either.”

    Me: “Well—”

    (I can’t think of anything else to say.)

    Younger Cousin: “I win! You’re spending the night at our house tonight.”

    (I didn’t spend the night there.)

    Can’t Fall Far Enough Away From The Tree

    | ON, Canada | Cousins

    (I have a very common last name. I also have seemingly hundreds of cousins, most of whom live close by and I have never met. I am walking down the hall when I am approached by a guy:)

    Him: “Hey, how’s it going?”

    Me: “It’s pretty good, you?”

    Him: “Good, good. Look, I have been wanting to ask you if you would go to the movies with me or something?”

    Me: “Not a chance.”

    Him: “Wow. That’s just rude.”

    Me: “You’re John [Last Name]. I’m Jane [Last Name]. My dad is Dave [Last Name].”

    Him: “Oh, my god, crazy Uncle Dave? You’re my cousin!”

    Me: “Yup, and I am not quite country enough for this.”

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