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    Category: Cousins

    The Bottom Line

    | IN, USA | Cousins

    (My four-year-old cousin is visiting. She is at that stage where she loves asking “why” about everything. One day, she walks into my room, despite the door being closed, while I’m getting undressed.)

    Me: “Hey, [Cousin], what are you doing in here?”

    Cousin: “Will you play with me?”

    Me: “Okay, but not right now. The door to my room was closed, and do you remember what that means? That means I’m busy.”

    Cousin: “Why?”

    Me: “Well, when I don’t want to be bothered, I close my door.”

    Cousin: “Why don’t you want to be bothered?”

    Me: “Because I’m getting dressed.”

    Cousin: “But why do you close the door when you’re getting dressed?”

    (Frustrated, I decide to use age-appropriate terms to explain.)

    Me: “Because I don’t want other people to see my bare bottom!”

    Cousin: *struggling to retaliate* “…but why… but…” *giving up* “You said ‘bottom!’”

    Has A Hiss-tory With Cats

    | Milwaukee, WI, USA | Cousins, Sons & Daughters

    (My family is together for my brother’s wedding. I’m talking with my cousin’s daughter, who’s only recently started talking.)

    Cousin: “[Daughter], what sound does a dog make?”

    Daughter: “Woof!”

    Cousin: “What sound does a lion make?”

    Daughter: “Roar!”

    Cousin: “What sound does a cat make?”

    Daughter: “Hiss!”

    Me: “I have a feeling she learned that last one through experience.”

    All Grown Up But Not Grown Up

    | CA, USA | Children, Cousins, Siblings

    (My sister and I are in our 30s, and have just met our cousin’s five-year-old daughter for the first time. We’re all in our aunt and uncle’s (her grandparents’) pool.)

    Little Cousin: “I can’t touch the bottom here!”

    Sister: “Neither can I. I’m short.”

    Little Cousin: “Yeah, but we’ll grow and then we can touch like [My Name].”

    (I’m four inches taller than my sister and standing still.)

    Sister: “You’ll keep growing, but I’m all done.”

    Little Cousin: “No, you’re not!”

    Sister: “Yes, I am; I finished growing a long time ago.”

    Little Cousin: *with air of dawning realization* “Wait, are you a GROWN-UP?!”

    Sister: “…”

    Me: *ducks underwater to stop laughing*

    No-Jito

    | AK, USA | Cousins

    (My whole family is eating dinner at a nice restaurant on our trip to Alaska. My little cousin has, as usual, insisted on sitting next to me while her parents are on the other end of the table.)

    Me: “I’d like a virgin mojito, please.”

    Waiter: “A mojito? Very good. Which tab will that be on?”

    Cousin: “I’ll get it! I’m paying!”

    (She waves around her room key-card and tries to hand it to the waiter, but my dad waves him over and adds his own drink to our tab.)

    Waiter: “Here you go.”

    (I taste it, and it’s a bit more citrus-heavy than the way I make them at home.)

    Cousin: “Can I have a sip?”

    Me: “No, you wouldn’t like it.”

    Cousin: “But I paid for it! I can have a drink because I paid for it!”

    Me: “No, my dad paid for it. You can get one of your own.”

    Cousin: “But I need to! I paid for it! MOMMY SAYS I CAN HAVE SOME!”

    (I look over, and her mother isn’t even in the room.)

    Me: “You really want some?”

    Cousin: “Finally! I paid for it; I can have as much as I want!”

    Me: “Just a sip, to see if you like it.”

    (She takes a sip and makes a disgusted face, and wordlessly hands it back to me.)

    Me: “I told you, you wouldn’t like it.”

    (Later, I realized that why it tasted strong was that it might not have been ‘virgin’!)

    His Guesses Are Getting Colder

    | UK | Cousins

    (My family are at my aunt’s home, my five-year-old cousin asks why we don’t visit more often.)

    Me: “Well, we live quite far away.”

    Cousin: “Like school?”

    Me: “Um… further away than that; it takes us a long time to get here.”

    Cousin: *names next town over*

    Me: “No… we live north of here.”

    Cousin: “Oh, the north pole.”


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