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    Category: Cousins

    Honk If You Want To Be Racist

    | San Francisco, CA, USA | Cousins

    (I’m white, and I’m playing with my young cousin, who is black.)

    Me: *boops her nose* “Beep!”

    Cousin: *boops my nose* “Honk!”

    Me: “Beep!”

    Cousin: “Honk!” *giggles* “You call me ‘Beepy’ and I’ll call you ‘Honkey’!”

    Me: “…no, honey, that would a bad idea.”

    The Kick Is The Kicker

    | Canada | Cousins, Siblings

    (I’m playing basement hide-and-seek in the dark with my cousins and my brother. Everyone has been found except for me. This is what I hear from my hiding spot:)

    Cousin: “Where is she? I feel like she’s hiding somewhere in this pile.”

    Brother: “So kick it until she comes out.”

    Cousin: “That’s a terrible thing to do!” *pauses* “I say, as I do it anyway…”

    The Dominant Education

    | NJ, USA | Boyfriends & Girlfriends, Children, Cousins

    (I am out to dinner with my family to celebrate my oldest cousin moving into a new apartment with her boyfriend. I have recently been tutoring my younger cousin in biology.)

    Younger Cousin: “Hey, [My Name], you have attached earlobes! That means that you have two recessive alleles, right?”

    Me: “Yeah, that’s right!”

    Younger Cousin: “Well, dad and I have unattached earlobes, and that means we have the dominant allele, right?”

    Me: “Yup.”

    Younger Cousin: “And my mom has unattached earlobes, too! We’re all dominant!”

    Me: “Actually, I think your mom has attached earlobes. Take a closer look.”

    Older Cousin’s Boyfriend: “Well, dominant traits are always shown, and recessive traits are hidden, so you have to have two copies of the recessive gene to have a recessive trait.”

    Me:  “Right…”

    (Older cousin’s boyfriend continues to try to explain genetics to me as our family watches in silence, holding back snickers until finally my cousin says something.)

    Older Cousin: “You do know that this is what she is getting her Ph.D. in, right?”

    Older Cousin’s Boyfriend: *to me* “Why didn’t you say anything?!”

    Me: “Well, you didn’t say anything technically wrong…”

    A Different Bear-ing On Gender

    | Norway | Cousins, Parents & Guardians, Sons & Daughters

    (My daughter is eleven and owns a teddy bear. His name is Mister.)

    Daughter: “Mom, Mister is seriously considering a sex change.”

    (I am surprised, but don’t let on too much.)

    Me: “Oh, really! Why does he want that?”

    Daughter: “Well, because the female teddy bears can have so much more clothing. They can wear a lot more different and cool clothes. Mister thinks it would be really cool to have that. And then his name would be Missy instead!”

    Me: “That makes sense. And teddy bears really only have social gender, they don’t have juridical and biological sexes like us humans do, so I bet it’s a lot easier for a teddy bear to switch genders than it would be for a human.”

    Daughter: “Yes! I just throw him in the air and shout ‘Hallelujah!’ and that’s that.”

    (After spending a day or so ‘seriously considering’ it, Mister did indeed become Missy.)

    A Step Too Far

    | Vancouver, BC, Canada | Cousins, Grandparents

    (My uncle is married to a woman who already has a son from a previous relationship. Our family has been very accepting of them, including my grandma, who took it a step too far.)

    Grandma: “Boys, I brought a family photo album of your dads when they were kids. You want to see?”

    Me: “Sure, Grandma.”

    (My grandma shows me pictures of my dad when he was little. Then she starts showing pictures of my uncle to my new step-cousin.)

    Grandma: “And over here is your daddy, [Step-Cousin]. You look just like him!”

    Step-Cousin: “Uh, okay…”

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