• Stop Trying Our Patience
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  • May's Theme Of The Month: Movie Mayhem!

    Category: Cousins

    Mildly Swears It Wasn’t Him

    | St. Louis, MO, USA | Cousins, Spouses & Partners

    (My cousin’s husband swears like a sailor, but he’s been trying to tone it down since his daughter was born.)

    Daughter: *drops cookie* “D*** it!”

    (Everyone turns to look at my cousin’s husband and his wife glares.)

    Cousin’s Husband: “It wasn’t me! It wasn’t me!”

    His Mom: “You’re right. That was too tame for [Cousin’s Husband].”

    Cousin’s Husband: “THANK YOU… Hey, wait a minute…”

    This Operation Is On A Mission From God

    | FL, USA | Aunts & Uncles, Cousins

    (My family usually has whole conversations by simply quoting movies. My cousin is rushed to the hospital to have emergency surgery. This is the conversation between him, his mom, and the OR nurse as she is wheeling him out of the room.)

    OR Nurse: “Okay, we are going to the OR now, you’ll see everyone later.”

    Cousin: “Okay, but bring the machine that goes BING!”

    OR Nurse: “Umm…okay.”

    Aunt: “Well, sweetie, it is 106 miles to Chicago, we have a full tank of gas, a half a pack of cigarettes, it’s dark out, and we are wearing sunglasses.”

    Cousin: “Hit it!”

    OR Nurse: “I am pretty sure it is more than 106 miles to Chicago from here.”

    Cousin & Aunt: “…”

    Stop Trying Our Patience

    | WA, USA | Cousins, Grandparents

    (My cousin is driving our elderly grandmother to an appointment and since there is no other traffic, decides to see if he can get a rise out of her. He speeds up, then comes to a screeching halt at a stop sign.

    Grandma: “Quit driving like a maniac!”

    Cousin: “I was just following directions; see, it says S-T-O-P. That stands for ‘Squeal Tires On Pavement.'”

    Grandma: “It does NOT! It stands for ‘Stop Teasing Old People!'”

    Where Euphemisms Go To Die

    | VA, USA | Cousins

    (My cousin is a ninth-grader.)

    Cousin: “So, we had to read an article about whether it’s okay to kill sick people who want to die.”

    Me: “Oh, euthanasia?”

    Cousin: “Wait; what’s ‘euthanasia’?”

    Me: “Like, if someone’s old and sick, and wants to die, a doctor can help them.”

    Cousin: “Wait, then what’s ‘euphemism’?”

    Me: “Like, a phrase: over the hill, kicked the bucket, done the dirty, gone to the farm.”

    Cousin: *giggling* “Glad I didn’t use ‘euthanasia,’ then, ’cause I got those backwards!”

    Sleeping On The Job

    | Singapore | Aunts & Uncles, Cousins

    (My uncle loves sleeping and sleeps as much as he can. This happens when his kids are very young and his wife leaves the kids at home with him while she goes to the market in the morning.)

    Uncle: “Let’s play a game!”

    Cousins: “Okay!”

    Uncle: “Let’s play… who can sleep first is the winner.”

    (Off he goes back to bed while his children try, unsuccessfully, to go back to bed after they have just woken up. After a few ‘games’…)

    Cousins: “Mummy, daddy’s games are not fun. He always plays the same game!”

    Aunt: “What games?”

    Cousins: “He plays ‘who can sleep first is the winner’ and he always wins!”

    Aunt: “WHAT?!”

    (My uncle got a good scolding from my aunt after that!)

    A Very Unhappy Meal

    , | Buffalo, NY, USA | Aunts & Uncles, Cousins, Theme Of The Month

    (Despite most of my family being Catholic, a combination of atheism on my dad’s side, and agnosticism/laziness on my mother’s side, make it so that I grow up without religion. We simply didn’t go to church, so I had no clue about the rites and rituals that my cousins would go through. My cousin and I are about seven years old, and we are in the middle of eating our hamburgers when she suddenly starts bawling.)

    Aunt: “Honey what’s wrong?”

    Cousin: “I’M GOING TO HELL!” *continues bawling*

    My Mother & Me: “…?”

    Aunt: “Honey, why do you say that?”

    Cousin: *through the tears* “I wasn’t thinking and it’s Friday, and I already did my first penance, but I ate meat and it’s Friday, and I can’t confess before my first communion AND I’M GOING TO HELL!” *resumes absolute sobbing*

    Me: *at all of seven years old, and matter of fact as can be* “That is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.”

    (I just couldn’t fathom a ‘loving God'” that would send a little girl to eternal torment over accidentally consuming meat on a Friday)

    Other Patrons: *death glares*

    Mom: “You shouldn’t say that… I’ll explain it later.”

    (Later on she tried to explain it to me… to no avail.)

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