Category: Cousins

I Swear I Heard Whispering

| USA | Cousins, Grandparents

(We have family visiting for the holidays, so my cousin and I have taken refuge in my room to play video games. There’s no noise rule in our house as long as it’s not an unreasonable hour, so we have the TV up pretty loud. My grandmother walks in to talk to us right as we get into an unpausable, unskippable cutscene with a character whose vocabulary consists mostly of swear words. My cousin is frantically trying to mute or turn off the TV before my grandmother gets offended, but she’s standing directly in front of the TV and blocking the signal.)

Grandma: “So I’d just like to tell you girls that you were both a little too loud last night. I could hear you both whispering all the way down the hall. I would appreciate it if you both would be a little quieter tonight while people are trying to sleep.”

Me: *cringing from the language coming from the speakers* “Okay, Grandma…”

(She finally notices my cousin frantically hitting the mute button on the TV remote and looks at the TV.)

Grandma: “Oh… were you both watching a movie?”

Cousin: “Yeah, we’re playing a video game…”

Grandma: “Oh. I didn’t even hear it. Sorry to interrupt. Well, go back to your game now.”

Cousin: “Did she just seriously complain that she can hear us whispering from down the hall and then not hear the cluster F-bombs blaring from the speaker right behind her?”

Me: “Yep. This is going on the Internet…”

That Logic Won’t Quite Set The World On Fire

| USA | Cousins

(My cousin and I are walking home from the park. I live in a small town.)

Cousin: “You guys have really nice fire trucks.”

Me: “Yeah, too bad they don’t get used so much.”

Cousin: “Yeah… too bad that not more houses are burning down to the ground.”

Both Their Necks On The Line

| AZ, USA | Cousins

(My cousin and I are hanging out in the living room and I turn my neck and it crack very loudly.)

Cousin: “That’s awesome.”

(She proceeds to try to turn her neck to also make a loud noise, and she’s using her hands to do so. She suddenly stops.)

Cousin: “Wait… what if I snap my own neck while doing this and die?!

Me: “If you did then I would be blamed for your death since no one would believe someone was stupid enough to accidentally snap their own neck.”

Save The Date To Get Tested

| OH, USA | Cousins

(I have just received in the mail a ‘Save The Date’ for my cousin’s wedding. I decide to text him to thank him for having invited me and to confirm that I had received it.)

Me: “Got your STD today. Thanks!”

Cousin: “Huh?”

Me: “You are aware [His Fiancée] is planning your wedding, right?”

Cousin: “Okay… I just lost all my contacts… Don’t know who this is… All I saw was STD from me. Who is this?”

Me: “Oh, whoops! ‘Save The Date.’ This is [My Name], your cousin.”

Cousin: “That was my best laugh in a long time… Thanks!”

A Very Blonde Comment

| TN, USA | Cousins

(I’m watching a movie with Asian people in it with my great cousin.)

Cousin: “He speaks good Chinese for a white guy.”

Me: “Um… He is Chinese.”

Cousin: “No, he isn’t. He has blond hair!”

Losing The Wilma To Live

| OH, USA | Cousins

(For the last four weeks, I have been getting phone calls from a company asking for Wilma. Each time I tell them it’s the wrong number but they still keep calling. My name is not even close to Wilma, Finally I have go change my number, because they were acting mean and I was started to get scared. I text my cousin my new number.)

Me: “Hey, [Cousin]. This is my new number.”

Cousin: “Wilma?”

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