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    Category: Cousins

    A Very Unhappy Meal

    , | Buffalo, NY, USA | Aunts & Uncles, Cousins, Theme Of The Month

    (Despite most of my family being Catholic, a combination of atheism on my dad’s side, and agnosticism/laziness on my mother’s side, make it so that I grow up without religion. We simply didn’t go to church, so I had no clue about the rites and rituals that my cousins would go through. My cousin and I are about seven years old, and we are in the middle of eating our hamburgers when she suddenly starts bawling.)

    Aunt: “Honey what’s wrong?”

    Cousin: “I’M GOING TO HELL!” *continues bawling*

    My Mother & Me: “…?”

    Aunt: “Honey, why do you say that?”

    Cousin: *through the tears* “I wasn’t thinking and it’s Friday, and I already did my first penance, but I ate meat and it’s Friday, and I can’t confess before my first communion AND I’M GOING TO HELL!” *resumes absolute sobbing*

    Me: *at all of seven years old, and matter of fact as can be* “That is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.”

    (I just couldn’t fathom a ‘loving God'” that would send a little girl to eternal torment over accidentally consuming meat on a Friday)

    Other Patrons: *death glares*

    Mom: “You shouldn’t say that… I’ll explain it later.”

    (Later on she tried to explain it to me… to no avail.)

    Are You Shore?

    | Barstow, CA, USA | Cousins

    (I am at my grandmother’s, as are a few of my cousins. One is sitting in the living room watching Jersey Shore as I walk in. It’s worth noting that undetectable earthquakes are highly common in my area.)

    Me: *looks at the TV* “You know every time you watch that show, a book commits suicide.”

    Cousin: *rolls eyes* “Don’t be stupid.”

    (Just then, for no apparent reason, a book falls off of my grandmother’s shelf.)

    Cousin: *staring at it, flabbergasted*

    Me: *without even batting an eye* “You were saying?”

    Needs A New Emoticon

    | Portland, OR, USA | Cousins

    (It’s late at night when I’m about to fall asleep and my cousin just sent me a text. Trying not to sound annoyed with him I’ve decided to try and be casual.)

    Cousin: “Hey, cousin!”

    Me: “Hey :P”

    Cousin: *cuts out your tongue*

    Me: “WTF?”

    Cousin: “That’s what you get for sticking your tongue out at people!”

    Me: “Or, you can just not cut out people’s tongues like a psychopath?!”

    A Great-Grand Insult

    | CA, USA | Cousins, Parents & Guardians

    (All my life, everyone in my dad’s family has told me how much I look like my great-grandmother, who died years before I was born. I have never seen a picture of her, however. At my grandmother’s funeral, we’re gathered at her house, when one of my dad’s cousins hands me a framed picture of an extremely large, scowling woman who could charitably be called ‘plain’ at best.)

    Cousin: “Here! I found this and thought you would like to have it.”

    Me: *puzzled* “Um, thanks? Who is it?”

    Cousin: “Can’t you tell? That’s [Great-Grandmother]!”

    Me: *speechless*

    Dad: *beaming* “You look just like her!”

    Lost In Multiple Translations

    | Germany | Cousins

    (I am visiting my family in Germany for the first time in several years. My German is a bit rusty.)

    Cousin: *in German* “[Name], I do speak English if you’d prefer.”

    Me: *in German* “That’s okay; I need the practice!”

    Cousin: *in English* “Yeah, me too!”

    (We spent the rest of that day with me talking in German and him talking in English!)

    Girls Love Biker Boys

    | Tel-Aviv, Israel | Aunts & Uncles, Cousins, Parents & Guardians

    (My little cousin has ADHD and loves to ride his bike. We are currently talking about marriages.)

    My Dad: “So are you going to be like [Cousin #2] and have lots of girlfriends?”

    My Aunt: “Yeah, are you going to kiss lots of girls as well? Even TWO at once?”

    Cousin #1: “No, I’m already married to my bike. Tell the girls I’m taken.”


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