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  • I’m Marrying A Firestarter
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    Category: Boyfriends & Girlfriends

    Mom And Dad Are Too Happy For You

    | TX, USA | Boyfriends & Girlfriends, Parents & Guardians, Theme Of The Month

    (My boyfriend and I have known each other for over 10 years, but have only been dating for a few. He met my parents before and they were friendly, but this occurred after we announced that we were dating. My parents love to embarrass new boyfriends as a test to see if they’ll stick around and fit in well.)

    Me: “So… [Boyfriend] and I are dating now.”

    Mom: “Really!? Finally! Now we can have some fun.”

    Dad: “Yeah! We get to have the talk!”

    Boyfriend: “Uh… the talk?”

    Dad: *suddenly serious* “I know my daughter is not as innocent as she tries to appear. [Boyfriend], do you make her happy?”

    (My boyfriend, having not seen this side of my parents, doesn’t seem to understand.)

    Boyfriend: “Well, we’re dating, so I hope so…”

    Dad: “No, no. Do you make her happy?!” *he adds elaborate air quotes to emphasize his point*

    (My boyfriend still appears clueless.)

    Mom: “D*****, [Boyfriend]! Are you good in bed?”

    (My boyfriend turned bright red and couldn’t respond. He stuck around, so he passed the test, but my parents have made it a game to pick on him regularly and try to make him blush.)

    I’m Marrying A Firestarter

    | Lawton, OK, USA | Boyfriends & Girlfriends, Parents & Guardians, Theme Of The Month

    (When this happened, I had recently started seeing the man I would eventually marry. I am at his apartment, attempting to fry chicken. Unfortunately, I have not turned the heat down once the oil gets up to temperature, and it starts to smoke. The fire alarm goes off, of course, and my phone starts ringing at the same time. My then-boyfriend answers:)

    Him: “Stand by, the kitchens on fire!”

    (And those were the first words he ever spoke to my mother!)

    A Slight Wrinkle In The Birthday Plans

    | USA | Boyfriends & Girlfriends, Parents & Guardians, Siblings

    (My brother’s girlfriend sells beauty creams, and he is always pushing me, his sister, and our mom to buy things from her. I’m not interested, and neither is our mom, and we’re both slightly annoyed about it. It’s Mom’s 50th birthday party when his girlfriend gives her a present.)

    Brother’s Girlfriend: “Here you go. Happy birthday! I hope you like it well enough to use it.”

    Mom: “Thank you!” *opens gift* “It’s… wrinkle cream?”

    Everyone Else: *stifling laughter*

    Brother’s Girlfriend: “Yup! It’s the best! Great for faces.”

    Mom: “Thanks?”

    (Mom put the wrinkle cream away and never used it. Since then, we always ask her if she’s using it for her wrinkly face!)

    Meet The Lecters

    | Brazil | Boyfriends & Girlfriends, Grandparents, Parents & Guardians, Theme Of The Month

    (I’m visiting my girlfriend’s family. I’ve visited them a few times in the past so they all know who I am. On this day, I want to cook my family’s favorite dish. As a result, I have everyone else leave in order not to spoil what it is. Once done, I put down two giant pots on the kitchen table.)

    Me: “Hey, everyone! Food’s ready!”

    (They all sit down and look confused at the stew I’ve made but no one says anything. They all quietly eat and quickly enjoys it. Once done, her father turns towards me.)

    Father: “Hey, [My Name], what was that?”

    Me: “… You’re better off not knowing.”

    Father: “Huh? Why not?”

    Girlfriend: “Yeah, come on, [My Name]! I wanna know, too!”

    Me: “It… was a liver stew, all right? It was my first attempt at making it solo, so I realize it wasn’t as good as it should have been.”

    (Everyone turns silent and stares at me, then at their plates, then back to me.)

    Grandmother: “C-Can I have… the recipe for this? I’d like to create it again.”

    Me: “Wait. Not one of you guys is bothered by the fact that we’ve eaten liver?”

    Girlfriend: “Should we be? It was tasty!”

    Me: “… I love this family.”

    (I officially became part of it by marrying my girlfriend two-and-a-half months ago. Whenever we show up, they always nag at me to make another batch of liver stew for them.)

    The Dominant Education

    | NJ, USA | Boyfriends & Girlfriends, Children, Cousins

    (I am out to dinner with my family to celebrate my oldest cousin moving into a new apartment with her boyfriend. I have recently been tutoring my younger cousin in biology.)

    Younger Cousin: “Hey, [My Name], you have attached earlobes! That means that you have two recessive alleles, right?”

    Me: “Yeah, that’s right!”

    Younger Cousin: “Well, dad and I have unattached earlobes, and that means we have the dominant allele, right?”

    Me: “Yup.”

    Younger Cousin: “And my mom has unattached earlobes, too! We’re all dominant!”

    Me: “Actually, I think your mom has attached earlobes. Take a closer look.”

    Older Cousin’s Boyfriend: “Well, dominant traits are always shown, and recessive traits are hidden, so you have to have two copies of the recessive gene to have a recessive trait.”

    Me:  “Right…”

    (Older cousin’s boyfriend continues to try to explain genetics to me as our family watches in silence, holding back snickers until finally my cousin says something.)

    Older Cousin: “You do know that this is what she is getting her Ph.D. in, right?”

    Older Cousin’s Boyfriend: *to me* “Why didn’t you say anything?!”

    Me: “Well, you didn’t say anything technically wrong…”

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