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    Category: Boyfriends & Girlfriends

    When Texts Have Very Sharp Timing

    | London, England, UK | Boyfriends & Girlfriends, Parents & Guardians

    (I moved into a flat-share due to fighting with my boyfriend, but we are attempting to resolve the issues. After I move out he buys a new bread knife. One morning I find these two messages on my phone:)

    Dad: “Haven’t heard from you in a while. Hope neither of you are in prison for murder.”

    Boyfriend: “I love this knife!”

    Saved By The Order Of The Phoenix

    | Kettering, England, UK | Boyfriends & Girlfriends, Parents & Guardians

    (I am 12. I have been told not to get up so early on weekends to watch TV since the stairs make noise and my mother needs to sleep in after long hours. I’m sneaking downstairs with a copy of the newest Harry Potter book in hand and come nose to gut with Mum’s then-boyfriend.)

    Boyfriend: “Morning.”

    Me *feeling busted* “Erm… morning, [Boyfriend].”

    Boyfriend: “Little early to be up, aren’t you?”

    Me: “I thought I heard a burglar.”

    (Later, when discussing it right in front of me.)

    Boyfriend: “And then he said ‘I thought I heard a burglar.'”

    Mum: “Oh, really?” *glaring at me*

    Boyfriend: “In his defence, he was carrying Order Of The Phoenix. Clearly he was planning to fight the burglars off.”

    Don’t Have Beef If You Like Beef

    | Germany | Boyfriends & Girlfriends, Parents & Guardians, Siblings

    (My mother’s boyfriend has a really unnerving habit of jumping on bandwagons despite not actually having anything to do with the trend in question, something that has begun to annoy my sister. His latest hobby is bashing fast food.)

    Mom’s Boyfriend: “Well, if people want to eat fast food, I don’t care. They can eat that garbage, but I will not! It’s just gross what they put inside of it! It’s unhealthy!” *continues to rave*

    Sister: “…Says the guy who smokes his own weight in tobacco every day, thinks that eating anything else than steak is ‘unmanly,’ and spends his days lying on our couch.”

    (He shut up for good after that.)

    Of My Relations And Infestations

    | Monument, CO, USA | Boyfriends & Girlfriends, Parents & Guardians

    (I make metal jewelry as a hobby, which requires flammable gasses in controlled amounts. One day, I come upstairs to hear my twin sister’s boyfriend asking Mom about flamethrowers.)

    Me: *wondering if I heard correctly* “What’s this about flamethrowers?”

    Mom: “[Boyfriend] found a wasps’ nest in the barn, and he wanted to know if we had anything like that.”

    Boyfriend: “Yeah, I was thinking that I could—”

    Me: *speaking rapidly because I park my car in the barn* “I have an acetylene tank!”

    (His eyes widen, and he grins appreciatively in an ‘I get to play with fire!’ expression.)

    Boyfriend: “Ooo-hoo-hoo.”

    (The wasps were doomed, and there hasn’t been another infestation since.)

    Please State The Nature Of The Actor Name Emergency

    | Winston-Salem, NC, USA | Boyfriends & Girlfriends, Parents & Guardians

    (I’m talking to my mom and her girlfriend about some Star Trek trivia I’d been reading since I finished Voyager. My mom’s a longtime Trekkie but her girlfriend is not.)

    Me: “And when he auditioned for Voyager, Robert Picardo—”

    Girlfriend: “Jean-Luc!”

    Me: “No, Robert Picardo is—”

    Girlfriend: “The Captain, Jean-Luc!”

    Mom: “Jean-Luc Picard was played by Patrick Stewart. Robert Picardo played a different character.”

    Me: “He was the doctor, the emergency medical hologram.”

    Girlfriend: “Oh, sorry!”

    Mom: “What were you saying about him?”

    Me: “…I don’t remember.”

    He Who Shall Not Be Named Correctly, Part 3

    | USA | Boyfriends & Girlfriends

    (I am the only person in my family who has read or watched Harry Potter. However, my brother is now watching it with me for the first time.)

    Brother: “How did Hagrid get Harry Potter in the first place?”

    Me: “He borrowed someone’s motorcycle and went and got Harry from his dead parents’ house before anyone EVIL could get him.”

    Brother: “Like the bad guy, whatsisname… Woldermont? Vondermord?”

    He Who Shall Not Be Named Correctly, Part 2
    He Who Shall Not Be Named Correctly

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