May's Theme Of The Month: Movie Mayhem!

Category: Boyfriends & Girlfriends

Don’t Have Beef If You Like Beef

| Germany | Boyfriends & Girlfriends, Parents & Guardians, Siblings

(My mother’s boyfriend has a really unnerving habit of jumping on bandwagons despite not actually having anything to do with the trend in question, something that has begun to annoy my sister. His latest hobby is bashing fast food.)

Mom’s Boyfriend: “Well, if people want to eat fast food, I don’t care. They can eat that garbage, but I will not! It’s just gross what they put inside of it! It’s unhealthy!” *continues to rave*

Sister: “…Says the guy who smokes his own weight in tobacco every day, thinks that eating anything else than steak is ‘unmanly,’ and spends his days lying on our couch.”

(He shut up for good after that.)

Of My Relations And Infestations

| Monument, CO, USA | Boyfriends & Girlfriends, Parents & Guardians

(I make metal jewelry as a hobby, which requires flammable gasses in controlled amounts. One day, I come upstairs to hear my twin sister’s boyfriend asking Mom about flamethrowers.)

Me: *wondering if I heard correctly* “What’s this about flamethrowers?”

Mom: “[Boyfriend] found a wasps’ nest in the barn, and he wanted to know if we had anything like that.”

Boyfriend: “Yeah, I was thinking that I could—”

Me: *speaking rapidly because I park my car in the barn* “I have an acetylene tank!”

(His eyes widen, and he grins appreciatively in an ‘I get to play with fire!’ expression.)

Boyfriend: “Ooo-hoo-hoo.”

(The wasps were doomed, and there hasn’t been another infestation since.)

Please State The Nature Of The Actor Name Emergency

| Winston-Salem, NC, USA | Boyfriends & Girlfriends, Parents & Guardians

(I’m talking to my mom and her girlfriend about some Star Trek trivia I’d been reading since I finished Voyager. My mom’s a longtime Trekkie but her girlfriend is not.)

Me: “And when he auditioned for Voyager, Robert Picardo—”

Girlfriend: “Jean-Luc!”

Me: “No, Robert Picardo is—”

Girlfriend: “The Captain, Jean-Luc!”

Mom: “Jean-Luc Picard was played by Patrick Stewart. Robert Picardo played a different character.”

Me: “He was the doctor, the emergency medical hologram.”

Girlfriend: “Oh, sorry!”

Mom: “What were you saying about him?”

Me: “…I don’t remember.”

He Who Shall Not Be Named Correctly, Part 3

| USA | Boyfriends & Girlfriends

(I am the only person in my family who has read or watched Harry Potter. However, my brother is now watching it with me for the first time.)

Brother: “How did Hagrid get Harry Potter in the first place?”

Me: “He borrowed someone’s motorcycle and went and got Harry from his dead parents’ house before anyone EVIL could get him.”

Brother: “Like the bad guy, whatsisname… Woldermont? Vondermord?”

Related:
He Who Shall Not Be Named Correctly, Part 2
He Who Shall Not Be Named Correctly

Also Hates Dragonfruit

| South Africa | Boyfriends & Girlfriends, Siblings

(I am with my nine-year-old sister and my boyfriend:)

Boyfriend: *to me* “You’re an iguana!”

Sister: “I don’t like iguanas!”

Me: “True, you don’t like any lizards.”

Sister: “Lizard?! I thought it was a fruit!”

Getting Sick Of Christmas

| SC, USA | Boyfriends & Girlfriends, Parents & Guardians, Theme Of The Month

(On Christmas morning, I wake up feeling fine, but have apparently caught a stomach virus. Partway through opening presents with my siblings and parents, I start feeling gross. That afternoon, my boyfriend comes over to eat Christmas dinner with us and exchange gifts. The whole time, I’ve been feeling worse and worse. As he is getting ready to leave for the night, we all stand in the kitchen talking. He is a large, strong man who gives gigantic bear-hugs to friends and family.)

Mom: “Goodnight, [Boyfriend]. Merry Christmas!”

Boyfriend: “Goodnight, [Mom]. Goodnight, [My Name]. Merry Christmas darlin’.”

(At this point he hugs me really hard and my stomach goes ‘nope.’)

Me: *about to say something really sweet* “I… oh, no!!”

(I literally ran to the back door, as I didn’t have time to find a bathroom or trashcan, and promptly emptied the contents of my stomach all over the back porch. Repeatedly. Violently. The whole time, my mother and my boyfriend stood there with horrified expressions on their faces, wanting to help but not sure what to do. I managed a ‘goodnight’ as my boyfriend left, still feeling terrible that he couldn’t help me, and my mom tried to find something mild for me to eat or drink.)


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