(I accidentally answer a phone call from my brother instead of silencing it, while in the middle of making love to my girlfriend, who I haven’t told the family about. I brace myself for embarrassment when I talk to him next.)

Brother: “Did I really hear you—”

Me: “Yes.”

Brother: “With a girl?”

Me: *surprised* “Yes.”

Brother: “Sweet! [Mutual friend] owes me ten bucks.”

Me: “You bet I had a girlfriend?”

Brother: “No, he bet you were gay.”

(There is an awkward pause.)

Me: “Give him five back.”

(My family has come down for a vacation, and we have rented a bunch of movies. I’m female, and have invited my girlfriend to come over to watch it with us. We have a very unusual relationship, but most of my family is used to it.)

Girlfriend: “You’re a glass blowing monkey!”

Me: “Them’s sounds like fighting words to me!”

Girlfriend: “A duel to the death it is!”

(We jump over the back of the couch and roll up old newspapers before having a ‘sword’ fight. We’re running all throughout the house, and in front of the television; disturbing the movie. My immediate family are acting as if nothing is happening.)

Cousin: “Is this really happening?”

Sister: “Is what happening?”

Cousin: “They’re tearing through the house fighting each other with newspapers, and you’re all sitting there like it’s normal!”

(My girlfriend and I slap each other in the neck. This usually means we’re both ‘dead’, but she also gets my thumb, which accidentally gives me a paper cut.)

Me: “You’ve got me! It is over; I shall die a slow agonizing death from the wound of a worthy opponent.”

Girlfriend: “It was a fantastic accident! Don’t fret my love; I will carry you on my back to the nearest apothecary and give my own life for yours if I must!”

Cousin: “Really guys? This isn’t weird?”

Father: “Shush! You’re ruining the movie.”

(My girlfriend is a rather heavyset woman with a rather heavyset brother. I’m no lightweight myself. My girlfriend and I have just finished baking, and have lined bowls of ice cream with freshly-baked cookies. We’re in the dining room when her brother comes in.)

Brother: “What’s that?”

Me: “We lined our bowls with cookies!”

(Her brother nods, heads into the kitchen, and soon returns with a bowl of his own. We eat in silence for a while, until I realize something is a bit off.)

Me: “Did you… is that just a bowl of whipped cream?”

Brother: “I… but you two…”

Me: “We’ve got ice cream in our bowls!”

Brother: “…I’m not fat!”

(He fake sobs and begins shoveling whipped cream into his mouth.)

Related:
Not The Cream Of The Crop

(My cousin has brought her boyfriend to our house for Thanksgiving. She’s being questioned by one of our particularly nosey aunts about him.)

Aunt: “…and how did you two meet?”

Cousin: “Well, I was trying to buy some cocaine from him, and he offered to be my pimp.”

Cousin’s Boyfriend: *nods* “Unfortunately, she refused that offer.”

(My aunt is totally speechless. No one had informed her that they met in a school play; he was a drug dealer and she was a prostitute.)

(My best friend, my boyfriend, my brother, and I are all supposed to be watching my three-year-old cousin. It’s right before Easter, so we’re dying Easter eggs with her. My friend and I leave for two minutes to go grab paper towels. When we come back, she’s cover in egg dye while the guys are just sitting there watching.)

Me: “What the h*** guys?”

Brother: “She dyed herself.”

Me: “Okay, so we have to wash her.”

(We try everything, but nothing works. We try to come up with ways to make it sound better.)

Brother: “We’ll say she’s an Easter egg!”

Friend: “That’s not funny.”

(My friend is dating my brother.)

Boyfriend: “Ooh, someone’s not getting any tonight!”

Cousin: “Ooh, someone’s not getting any tonight, [brother's name]!”

Friend: “We are all so f*****.”

Cousin: “F*****, f*****, f*****!”