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    Category: Aunts & Uncles

    Smoked Through A Second Opinion

    | AB, USA | Aunts & Uncles, Parents & Guardians

    (My aunt has smoked all her life. Some years back she was getting winded climbing stairs so she went to see her doctor. When she next saw my mother, her sister:)

    Mother: “So, what did the doctor say?”

    Aunt: “He told me I’m getting emphysema and if I don’t stop smoking I’ll be lugging around an oxygen tank within two years.” *pause* “I think I need a new doctor.”

    (Sadly, she needed an oxygen tank within six months – and she still sneaks cigarettes.)

    Mixed Message

    | Allentown, PA, USA | Aunts & Uncles

    (We’ve got the extended family gathered at my mother’s house for the Fourth of July, including her two aunts who are sisters. Mom and the younger aunt are in the kitchen when the older aunt enters. This aunt is nearly 90, and in remarkably good health; she’s also very sharp… usually.)

    Older Aunt: “Somebody told me to tell somebody something!”

    (She looks at them expectantly.)

    Younger Aunt: “Well… what is it?”

    Older Aunt: “I don’t remember.”

    Mom: “Who’s the message for?”

    Older Aunt: “I don’t remember that either.”

    Younger Aunt: “Well, who asked you to deliver the message?”

    Older Aunt: “I don’t remember. It’ll come to me!”

    (We’re still waiting.)

    Avoid The Sword’s Point Innuendo

    | USA | Aunts & Uncles, Grandparents, Parents & Guardians

    (My family, including a few relatives that have come to visit, is having dinner. Most of my family is fairly naive, so can be a bit oblivious sometimes. At the moment, my grandmother is talking about stargazing a few days prior.)

    Grandmother: “It was very cloudy, so I didn’t expect to see much. But it turned out I found Orion; first I noticed his belt, and then I noticed I could look below it to see his sword.”

    Me: *raises eyebrows but doesn’t say anything*

    (My aunt catches my eye, and I suddenly realize we are the only two who are amused.)

    Aunt: “[My Name]?”

    Me: *holding back laughter* “Yes?”

    Aunt: *bursts out giggling* “How is she the ONLY one who gets this?”

    Grandmother: “Gets what?”

    Mom: “What are you two laughing about?”

    Me: “Trust me, [Aunt], they’re just never going to figure it out…”

    (They never did.)

    A Weird Purr-sonality

    | Italy | Aunts & Uncles, Parents & Guardians

    (We’re sitting at the dinner table when my cat jumps on my aunt’s lap, looking for cuddles.)

    Aunt: “Ohhh, how cute…”

    Uncle: “I do the same when I’m cuddling.”

    Mom: “Do you also make the purr-purr sound?”

    Uncle: “Yes, but not from my mouth.”

    Spidey-Senses Are A Little Off

    | NC, USA | Aunts & Uncles

    (When the second Harry Potter movie comes out, I am nine years old and well-known for being terrified of spiders. My aunt sits next to me when we all go to see it, and unbeknownst to me she has a plan for when the giant spiders come on-screen.)

    Aunt: *pulling me onto her lap and covering my face with her jacket* “Oh, my god, don’t look!”

    (As I tried to free myself, she kept gasping and squeezing me tighter whenever something startling happened in the movie. Afterward, I had to explain to her that her reaction, combined with knowing the spiders were there but not being able to see them, had been a lot more scary than the actual scene could ever be.)

    A ‘Stiff’ Resolve To Get The Name Right

    | Singapore | Aunts & Uncles, Cousins

    (My parents are hosting a Chinese New Year gathering for the relatives on my dad’s side. I am not close to them, but I do know who they are. I also have an aunt who tends to put an ‘S’ to everybody’s name.)

    Aunt: “[My Name]s! Come here!”

    (I walk over.)

    Me: “Yes, [Aunt]?”

    Aunt: *pulling one of my cousins over* “[My name]s, have you met your cousin, Stephanie?”

    Me: “It’s not Stephanie.”

    Cousin: “My name is TIFFANY.”

    Aunt: “Ah, yes, Stiffany.”

    (I had to excuse myself to run somewhere private to laugh. Poor Tiffany!)

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