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    Category: Aunts & Uncles

    Lactose And Glucose And Gluten, Oh My!

    | NC, USA | Aunts & Uncles

    (I’m at the grocery store when I bump into my great-aunt. It’s been a couple months since we last talked.)

    Great-Aunt: *gestures to the bread in my basket* “So, you’re still doing the glucose thing?”

    Me: “Uh, what do you mean?”

    Great-Aunt: “The bread and milk thing. The glucose intolerance.”

    Me: “I’m lactose intolerant, if that’s what you mean. That’s just milk, though.”

    Great-Aunt: “Oh! What is glucose, then?

    Me: “Sugar, as in ‘blood sugar.’ I thought you were asking if I was diabetic!”

    (We share a laugh.)

    Great-Aunt: “But seriously, what’s the thing with the bread called? The intolerance?”

    Me: “That’s gluten, not glucose.”

    You Aunt Pronouncing It Correctly

    | OH, USA | Aunts & Uncles

    (I and a few other extended family members have all come together at my aunt’s house for dinner. Just as we’re all getting sit down at the table to pass the food, the phone rings, and my aunt goes to answer it.)

    Aunt: “Hello?” *pause* “If you can’t pronounce it, he’s not here.” *hangs up*

    Smoked Through A Second Opinion

    | AB, USA | Aunts & Uncles, Parents & Guardians

    (My aunt has smoked all her life. Some years back she was getting winded climbing stairs so she went to see her doctor. When she next saw my mother, her sister:)

    Mother: “So, what did the doctor say?”

    Aunt: “He told me I’m getting emphysema and if I don’t stop smoking I’ll be lugging around an oxygen tank within two years.” *pause* “I think I need a new doctor.”

    (Sadly, she needed an oxygen tank within six months – and she still sneaks cigarettes.)

    Mixed Message

    | Allentown, PA, USA | Aunts & Uncles

    (We’ve got the extended family gathered at my mother’s house for the Fourth of July, including her two aunts who are sisters. Mom and the younger aunt are in the kitchen when the older aunt enters. This aunt is nearly 90, and in remarkably good health; she’s also very sharp… usually.)

    Older Aunt: “Somebody told me to tell somebody something!”

    (She looks at them expectantly.)

    Younger Aunt: “Well… what is it?”

    Older Aunt: “I don’t remember.”

    Mom: “Who’s the message for?”

    Older Aunt: “I don’t remember that either.”

    Younger Aunt: “Well, who asked you to deliver the message?”

    Older Aunt: “I don’t remember. It’ll come to me!”

    (We’re still waiting.)

    Avoid The Sword’s Point Innuendo

    | USA | Aunts & Uncles, Grandparents, Parents & Guardians

    (My family, including a few relatives that have come to visit, is having dinner. Most of my family is fairly naive, so can be a bit oblivious sometimes. At the moment, my grandmother is talking about stargazing a few days prior.)

    Grandmother: “It was very cloudy, so I didn’t expect to see much. But it turned out I found Orion; first I noticed his belt, and then I noticed I could look below it to see his sword.”

    Me: *raises eyebrows but doesn’t say anything*

    (My aunt catches my eye, and I suddenly realize we are the only two who are amused.)

    Aunt: “[My Name]?”

    Me: *holding back laughter* “Yes?”

    Aunt: *bursts out giggling* “How is she the ONLY one who gets this?”

    Grandmother: “Gets what?”

    Mom: “What are you two laughing about?”

    Me: “Trust me, [Aunt], they’re just never going to figure it out…”

    (They never did.)

    A Weird Purr-sonality

    | Italy | Aunts & Uncles, Parents & Guardians

    (We’re sitting at the dinner table when my cat jumps on my aunt’s lap, looking for cuddles.)

    Aunt: “Ohhh, how cute…”

    Uncle: “I do the same when I’m cuddling.”

    Mom: “Do you also make the purr-purr sound?”

    Uncle: “Yes, but not from my mouth.”

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