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    Category: Aunts & Uncles

    Sink Or Swim Or Drive

    | Elizabethtown, KY, USA | Aunts & Uncles

    (This exchange occurs a couple months after a massive sinkhole opened up under the National Corvette Museum in Bowling Green.)

    Great Uncle: “Yeah, I went out to check the property lines and stumbled onto this big sinkhole. It must’ve been 15-20 feet deep!”

    Aunt: “Did you find a Corvette in it?”

    Woke Up On The Wrong Side Of The Bed

    | Australia | Aunts & Uncles, Parents & Guardians

    (My uncle turns up at Mum’s place early one morning. He starts accusing Mum of leaving my Grandmother at home alone. My parents have been looking after her for 30 years with absolutely no assistance from siblings.)

    Uncle: *to Mum* “Where were you last night?”

    Mum: “We were here, why?”

    Uncle: “That’s not what I was told; Mum called me to say there was no one home, she was alone, and had no idea where you were.”

    Mum: “We’ve been here all night.”

    Uncle: “Well, when Mum rang me she told me that she’d been calling out at the bottom of the stairs and was getting no answers. Where were you?”

    Mum: “What time did she call you?”

    Uncle: “3 am. Leaving her alone at that time of night. I’s disgusting. WHERE WERE YOU?”

    Mum: “Asleep in bed, where I am every night at that time.”

    Uncle: “Why didn’t you answer her?”

    Mum: “Probably because I was asleep upstairs. Why did you wait five hours to come and check on her?”

    Uncle: “I was in bed.”

    Not Quite A Cherry-Picked Suitor

    | OH, USA | Aunts & Uncles, Parents & Guardians

    (My aunt and uncle have a cherry tree in their back yard. My mother and I are visiting them for a cookout. I randomly start hugging the tree.)

    Uncle: “Dearly beloved, we are gathered for no real reason to join this woman and this tree in holy matrimony. If anyone objects to this union, please speak now or forever shut your d*** pie-hole.”

    Mother: “The only question is, who gets whose cherry?”

    Scandalous Pillow Talk

    | Portland, OR, USA | Aunts & Uncles, Children, Nephews & Nieces

    (I am rather flat chested. The women on my husband’s side of the family are quite the opposite. His Aunt T. is visiting, and my three-year-old daughter is sitting on her lap.)

    Daughter: *patting Aunt T’s chest* “Mama! Aunt T’s got PILLOWS!”

    They’ll Go To Hell Before They Say ‘I Love You’

    | USA | Aunts & Uncles, Cousins

    (I stopped by my aunt’s to drop some stuff she asked me to bring before going home. She has 19-year-old twin sons.)

    Me: “Aunt [Name]! I’m here!”

    Aunt: “Hi, Sweety, Thank you so much. So sorry to bother you, dear.”

    Me: “Oh! Come on, anything for my family. Here, I know you love chocolates.”

    Aunt: “Oh, I love you!”

    Me: *hugs her* “Love you, too.”

    (During this exchange, my cousins were sitting there watching TV. Then this happens.)

    Cousin #1: *staring at the screen* “Hey [Cousin #2]? Go to h***.”

    Cousin #2: *staring at the screen* “Yeah. You, too.”

    Me: *confused* “What was that?”

    Aunt: *giggling* “That’s how they say they love each other. Twins are weird like that.”

    Me: “No, it’s cute. It’ll be cuter if they say ‘I love you’ though.”

    Cousins #1 & #2: *both at the same time* “Boys don’t say that. Only girls do.”

    Me: “Yup. Absolutely weird.”


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