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    Category: Aunts & Uncles

    Jumping The Gun On That One

    | CO, USA | Aunts & Uncles, Children, Parents & Guardians, Theme Of The Month

    (I am 21 years old and am a competitive long range shooter. My parents have just gotten me a rather expensive new rifle for Christmas. My aunt and cousin are visiting while I open it. My cousin has just turned 10. He walks in the room with large glass of eggnog.)

    Dad: “Um… You do know that the eggnog is alcoholic right?”

    Aunt: “Oh, don’t even think of giving me crap about my parenting. You are the one raising a murderer.”

    Dad & Me: “WHAT!?”

    Aunt: “You gave that boy a rifle. Everyone knows he’s going to kill someone either by accident or on purpose!”

    Dad: “First off, he’s 21. He’s not a ‘boy’ anymore. He has been competing for years, has taken multiple gun safety courses, and only uses it at designated ranges. Trust me. Safety is a big deal at those events.”

    Aunt: “Gah, don’t you people watch the news! Guns kill people. That’s what they are made for!”

    (My aunt throws the car keys at her son.)

    Aunt: “Go pull the car around and I’ll grab our stuff. We are leaving. These people are dangerous.”

    Dad: “No. I’m not going to let you give car keys to an intoxicated 10 year old.”

    (My aunt still storms out. Fortunately, we got the keys away from my cousin and they took a cab instead of driving.)

    Mumble And A Grumble

    | Arnold, CA, USA | Aunts & Uncles, Cousins, Theme Of The Month

    (It is the annual family get-together at my grandparent’s house in 1999, and I am talking to my three-year-old cousin outside while our parents are unloading the cars.)

    Cousin: *mumbles*

    Me: “Erm, uh huh.”

    Cousin: *mumbles in the sound of a question*

    Me: “Yes, sure.”

    Cousin: *bursts out crying and runs to her mother*

    Aunt: “Oh, honey, what’s wrong?”

    Cousin: *mumbles*

    Aunt: “She asked you if Santa was bringing her coal and you said yes.”

    Separating The Truth From The Goats

    | USA | Aunts & Uncles, Cousins

    (My five-year-old cousin is staying with us for the weekend while his parents are on vacation. Most of the time he’s with us he watches me play a video game. He tends to describe movies and TV shows as though they’ve actually happened to him, which leads to this exchange when his mother comes to pick him up on Monday.)

    Aunt: “So what did you do with [My Name] while I was gone?”

    Cousin: “We found a magic sword, fought evil goat people, and saved the Angel of Hope from demons!”

    Aunt: “… You did what?” *to me* “Did this actually happen?”

    Me: “Of course, [Aunt]. I really did take [Cousin] on a journey to find a magic sword and save the Angel of Hope from demons. That’s why we have goat skulls impaled on sticks in the front yard. Gotta keep those goat people away from the cottage somehow!”

    (I think she got that it was a video game after that, but part of me likes to think she looked around for goat skulls on the way out…)

    Got The Smarts To Admit It

    | MT, USA | Aunts & Uncles

    (A bunch of the older uncles are setting up a small canopy to provide shelter for the food buffet, but they are having trouble figuring out how to set it up.)

    Uncle #1: “I don’t remember how this goes together…”

    Uncle #2: “They put a bunch of tents like this up every year at the fair, how hard can it be?”

    Uncle #1: “Yeah, but they’re a lot smarter than we are…”

    Sink Or Swim Or Drive

    | Elizabethtown, KY, USA | Aunts & Uncles

    (This exchange occurs a couple months after a massive sinkhole opened up under the National Corvette Museum in Bowling Green.)

    Great Uncle: “Yeah, I went out to check the property lines and stumbled onto this big sinkhole. It must’ve been 15-20 feet deep!”

    Aunt: “Did you find a Corvette in it?”


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