(My uncle, nine-year-old brother, and seven-year-old me, are watching a movie. My mom isn’t paying particular attention to what we are watching. She walks past the living room. The movie is on a particularly graphic sex scene.)

Mom: “What’s this rated?”

Uncle: “R.”

Mom: “What!?”

Uncle: “…’R’ we sure it’s rated PG? Yes we are!”

(My fiancé’s 12-year-old nephew and his friend are playing a video game in another room. We overhear their conversation.)

Nephew’s Friend: “It’s bad that you have two uncles.”

Nephew: “Why’s that? They love each other.”

Nephew’s Friend: “Well, you’ll never have any cousins.”

Nephew: “So what!? Uncle [my name] has a dog! A dog is better than any stupid cousin.”

(My family has always loved old Looney Tunes cartoons. We’re watching the TV as a family, and they mention seasons.)

Dad: “So, which season is it?”

Mum: “Duck season!”

Dad: “Rabbit season!”

Me: “FIRE!”

(My uncle makes a gun with his fingers, and points it at dad.)

Uncle: “BANG!”

Me: “I love that this family is coming to resemble the Looney Tunes…”

(My aunt, cousin, best friend, and I go to the mall. We decide to split up and meet again in an hour for lunch.)

Aunt: “How was your shopping? Where did you go?”

Me: “Guess.”

Aunt: “Ummm… Natural Wonders?”

Me: “No, Guess.”

Aunt: I am! A book store?”

Me: “No, we went to Guess! It’s a clothing store!”

(My cousin has brought her boyfriend to our house for Thanksgiving. She’s being questioned by one of our particularly nosey aunts about him.)

Aunt: “…and how did you two meet?”

Cousin: “Well, I was trying to buy some cocaine from him, and he offered to be my pimp.”

Cousin’s Boyfriend: *nods* “Unfortunately, she refused that offer.”

(My aunt is totally speechless. No one had informed her that they met in a school play; he was a drug dealer and she was a prostitute.)