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    Category: Aunts & Uncles

    Woke Up On The Wrong Side Of The Bed

    | Australia | Aunts & Uncles, Parents & Guardians

    (My uncle turns up at Mum’s place early one morning. He starts accusing Mum of leaving my Grandmother at home alone. My parents have been looking after her for 30 years with absolutely no assistance from siblings.)

    Uncle: *to Mum* “Where were you last night?”

    Mum: “We were here, why?”

    Uncle: “That’s not what I was told; Mum called me to say there was no one home, she was alone, and had no idea where you were.”

    Mum: “We’ve been here all night.”

    Uncle: “Well, when Mum rang me she told me that she’d been calling out at the bottom of the stairs and was getting no answers. Where were you?”

    Mum: “What time did she call you?”

    Uncle: “3 am. Leaving her alone at that time of night. I’s disgusting. WHERE WERE YOU?”

    Mum: “Asleep in bed, where I am every night at that time.”

    Uncle: “Why didn’t you answer her?”

    Mum: “Probably because I was asleep upstairs. Why did you wait five hours to come and check on her?”

    Uncle: “I was in bed.”

    Not Quite A Cherry-Picked Suitor

    | OH, USA | Aunts & Uncles, Parents & Guardians

    (My aunt and uncle have a cherry tree in their back yard. My mother and I are visiting them for a cookout. I randomly start hugging the tree.)

    Uncle: “Dearly beloved, we are gathered for no real reason to join this woman and this tree in holy matrimony. If anyone objects to this union, please speak now or forever shut your d*** pie-hole.”

    Mother: “The only question is, who gets whose cherry?”

    Scandalous Pillow Talk

    | Portland, OR, USA | Aunts & Uncles, Children, Nephews & Nieces

    (I am rather flat chested. The women on my husband’s side of the family are quite the opposite. His Aunt T. is visiting, and my three-year-old daughter is sitting on her lap.)

    Daughter: *patting Aunt T’s chest* “Mama! Aunt T’s got PILLOWS!”

    They’ll Go To Hell Before They Say ‘I Love You’

    | USA | Aunts & Uncles, Cousins

    (I stopped by my aunt’s to drop some stuff she asked me to bring before going home. She has 19-year-old twin sons.)

    Me: “Aunt [Name]! I’m here!”

    Aunt: “Hi, Sweety, Thank you so much. So sorry to bother you, dear.”

    Me: “Oh! Come on, anything for my family. Here, I know you love chocolates.”

    Aunt: “Oh, I love you!”

    Me: *hugs her* “Love you, too.”

    (During this exchange, my cousins were sitting there watching TV. Then this happens.)

    Cousin #1: *staring at the screen* “Hey [Cousin #2]? Go to h***.”

    Cousin #2: *staring at the screen* “Yeah. You, too.”

    Me: *confused* “What was that?”

    Aunt: *giggling* “That’s how they say they love each other. Twins are weird like that.”

    Me: “No, it’s cute. It’ll be cuter if they say ‘I love you’ though.”

    Cousins #1 & #2: *both at the same time* “Boys don’t say that. Only girls do.”

    Me: “Yup. Absolutely weird.”

    Never Too Old To Fight For What’s Right

    | NH, USA | Aunts & Uncles, Grandparents, LGTBQ, Top

    (I don’t have a grandfather of my own as they both passed away before I was born. My cousin’s grandfather has come on vacation with us. They call him papaw. I’ve never really called him anything because I’m not sure what to call him as he’s not my grandfather and I’m not exactly sure how he feels about me. I’ve recently come out as gay and have brought my girlfriend with us on the trip. We’re listening to the radio and there’s some controversial story about gay rights being debated about.)

    Papaw: “D*** all these gays! This crap is annoying!”

    Uncle: “Dad!”

    Papaw: “What? This gay rights crap is getting old. I’ll never see anything settled in my lifetime so why should I have to hear about it everywhere I go? I’m sick of it!”

    Me: “Um, my girlfriend and I are sitting right here.”

    Papaw: “You don’t count.”

    Me: “Why not?”

    Papaw: “Because you’re my granddaughter and I’ll always fight for or beside you no matter what we’re fighting for.”

    (He’s since passed away but I couldn’t have asked for a better grandfather.)


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