May's Theme Of The Month: Movie Mayhem!

Category: Aunts & Uncles

This Operation Is On A Mission From God

| FL, USA | Aunts & Uncles, Cousins

(My family usually has whole conversations by simply quoting movies. My cousin is rushed to the hospital to have emergency surgery. This is the conversation between him, his mom, and the OR nurse as she is wheeling him out of the room.)

OR Nurse: “Okay, we are going to the OR now, you’ll see everyone later.”

Cousin: “Okay, but bring the machine that goes BING!”

OR Nurse: “Umm…okay.”

Aunt: “Well, sweetie, it is 106 miles to Chicago, we have a full tank of gas, a half a pack of cigarettes, it’s dark out, and we are wearing sunglasses.”

Cousin: “Hit it!”

OR Nurse: “I am pretty sure it is more than 106 miles to Chicago from here.”

Cousin & Aunt: “…”

Meet Aunty Condescending

| MI, USA | Aunts & Uncles

(My fiancé and I are about a month away from our wedding day. Being a bit nontraditional and nerdy, the plan is for the reception to be a costume party, and to have board/card games for the guests to play rather than dancing. We’re still waiting for some of the RSVP’s to roll in.)

Aunt’s RSVP: “Three of us will be coming, but we’re not wearing costumes. Also we are NOT gamers, lol. We are normal people who go outside, work with our hands, and get dirty. Sorry, had to say that. But we do love our family and accept them as they are, so we will be there.”

(We are puzzled as to how she thinks ‘love and acceptance’ is demonstrated by refusing to go along with any of the planned festivities, not to mention that she took the time to disparage us because both my fiancé and my father work with websites rather than a more labor-intensive profession.)

Sleeping On The Job

| Singapore | Aunts & Uncles, Cousins

(My uncle loves sleeping and sleeps as much as he can. This happens when his kids are very young and his wife leaves the kids at home with him while she goes to the market in the morning.)

Uncle: “Let’s play a game!”

Cousins: “Okay!”

Uncle: “Let’s play… who can sleep first is the winner.”

(Off he goes back to bed while his children try, unsuccessfully, to go back to bed after they have just woken up. After a few ‘games’…)

Cousins: “Mummy, daddy’s games are not fun. He always plays the same game!”

Aunt: “What games?”

Cousins: “He plays ‘who can sleep first is the winner’ and he always wins!”

Aunt: “WHAT?!”

(My uncle got a good scolding from my aunt after that!)

Making Peas With The Issue

| Green Bay, WI, USA | Aunts & Uncles, Sons & Daughters

(My young daughter hates peas and refuses to eat them. Because she eats other vegetables her father and I have decided not push the issue. This happens at a dinner with my extended family.)

Aunt: “[Daughter], you should eat these peas.”

Daughter: “I don’t like peas.”

Aunt: “[Cousin] likes peas. [Cousin] always eats his peas.”

Daughter: “[Cousin] isn’t the smartest guy in the world.”

(Silence.)

Uncle: *laughing* “You’re right. [Cousin] isn’t the smartest guy in the world.”

(My sister-in-law never mentioned peas to my daughter again.)

A Very Unhappy Meal

, | Buffalo, NY, USA | Aunts & Uncles, Cousins, Theme Of The Month

(Despite most of my family being Catholic, a combination of atheism on my dad’s side, and agnosticism/laziness on my mother’s side, make it so that I grow up without religion. We simply didn’t go to church, so I had no clue about the rites and rituals that my cousins would go through. My cousin and I are about seven years old, and we are in the middle of eating our hamburgers when she suddenly starts bawling.)

Aunt: “Honey what’s wrong?”

Cousin: “I’M GOING TO HELL!” *continues bawling*

My Mother & Me: “…?”

Aunt: “Honey, why do you say that?”

Cousin: *through the tears* “I wasn’t thinking and it’s Friday, and I already did my first penance, but I ate meat and it’s Friday, and I can’t confess before my first communion AND I’M GOING TO HELL!” *resumes absolute sobbing*

Me: *at all of seven years old, and matter of fact as can be* “That is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.”

(I just couldn’t fathom a ‘loving God'” that would send a little girl to eternal torment over accidentally consuming meat on a Friday)

Other Patrons: *death glares*

Mom: “You shouldn’t say that… I’ll explain it later.”

(Later on she tried to explain it to me… to no avail.)

Meet Aunt Hypocrisy

| Carmel, IN, USA | Aunts & Uncles, Parents & Guardians, Theme Of The Month

(When I was little I got a ‘magic book’ from a toy catalog full of fun stories, trivia, and arts and crafts projects. Though there were no spells I became thoroughly obsessed with being a wizard, and was very vocal about my belief in magic. One day, my mom and aunt are talking…)

Aunt: “We need to talk about [My Name]’s obsession with wizards.”

Mom: “Oh, isn’t it cute? She really thinks magic is real!”

Aunt: “I’m worried she’s going to become a Satanist.”

Mom: “…What?”

Aunt: “She’s too interested in magic. Soon she’ll be into black magic and then she’ll become a Satanist! We need to do something!”

Mom: “…[Aunt], she’s seven.”

(When my mom related this conversation to me years later as a teenager, I laughed for a solid minute or two. The ironic thing is her own kids liked Harry Potter, and she had no problem taking the three of us to see the second movie!)


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